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I haven't been blogging for a while. I fell sick on v-day (someone thinkin bout me too much yknow?), and was sick for the entire week. T...

That nose rub

I haven't been blogging for a while. I fell sick on v-day (someone thinkin bout me too much yknow?), and was sick for the entire week. The remnants of the flu and cough are still with me today, but definitely almost gone away. I didn't take MC because it was Budget 2017 and I was in-charge of a very important job - providing an entire list of general shots like singapore skyline, people walking by in cbd area and whatever that was targeted in predicting what the finance minister might say - a new scheme, roll out packages, incentives. We hit jackpot with one of the predictions, which was WATER. Water prices going up by 30%, so I was happy that my reservoir shots of water were used. Efforts did not go to a waste hahahah.

For at least two days, I toiled in air-con with a runny nose and wasted 10,000 sheets of tissue. I am so dedicated. Mediacorp should reward me.

And reward they did indeed. Guys, I've been confirmed as a full-time staff. Just a few hours ago. And I'm as happy as a bird!! Everything must be celebrated. I shall treat my family to a sumptuous meal :-) As a person who's very hard on myself, my first reaction was joy, which then turned to, well yknow, "I expected to be confirmed so it's a natural process, my hard work paid off" yes.... I tend to water down my achievements.

Not this time!!

Besides that flu, I've been wanting to share this very useful tip on body language.

Every time someone is uncomfortable about saying something, or awkward/not confident about what they just said or lying,

they. will. rub. their. nose.

Or rather, when you see someone rub their nose after saying something, there's a possibility that they felt uncomfortable saying what they just did. Not the hard-on rubbing kind, but the one finger under the nose, wiping something invisible away or merely just giving the nose a tiny nudge upwards. It's very subtle, but once you get it, like I have, you will never unsee it again. Whenever I spot it, I know that the person is uncomfortable and it helps with gauging what a person's like sometimes.

Why am I saying this? Because I've seen this countless of times, almost on an everyday basis with people I talk to and when I observe how other people talk to one another. Whenever they feel uncomfortable about saying something, THEY WILL RUB THEIR NOSE.

Why am I saying this now? Because I've seen it too many times in the past week that I realise I had to share this and tell someone about it.

There was one time somebody asked if I had eaten lunch. I said yes. And the person proceeded to ask, "ah, *rubs nose* alone?" I said, "ah, yes". I could tell the person felt awkward or embarrassed to ask if I had eaten alone, because it isn't socially acceptable. And I knew the person thought that way. Or that one time I hitched a ride with a boss. And we were talking. And she was asking how I was finding the job so far. She then proceeded to ask a question every boss wants to know "Why do you think some people leave the company? Tell me... what do they say?" And yes, I don't have to tell you but she did it... she rubbed her nose while asking me those questions because it was awkward for her to ask such a question so pointedly to her subordinate.

The nose rub thing reveals a lot to me and I catch what they're thinking almost all the damn time.

And do you know how I realised it's true? Because I catch myself doing it too. That's how I realised, wow, this is real. Then, I go one step further thinking that perhaps someone else other than me knows this, and I often stop myself from reaching for my nose so it doesn't appear like I'm not confident about what I just said.

I also find it quite annoying every time I see the nose rub, because I can call out the person. I'm almost certain about knowing what they feel. Sometimes I see people who do it A LOT, and for sure, I know they're not trustworthy or reliable.

This helps with knowing who to trust quickly. Meeting new people all the time, you sometimes don't know who you can rely on, and so this is a very small but I believe, useful tip ;-)

In the meantime, I've a lot of posts I want to write but whenever I think about how long they might be, I lack the motivation to type. I guess a lot of what I do relies on spontaneity too.

Before I go, remember that tip I just taught you and slay it like a ninja!

I remember writing this note about a year ago in April. My wkw senior now friend, Xiangyun, fo...

stick it out a bit longer :)

I remember writing this note about a year ago in April. My wkw senior now friend, Xiangyun, forced me, I mean MADE me write this.

She told me to list everything I wanted to do in my life. Every single thing I wanted to do. I sat down beside her at a cafe in National Gallery, and really thought about what I wanted to do. And as you can see, I had just returned from my trip so travel was first thing's first. And everything else was supposedly everything I would ever want to do. I'm looking at it again with fresh eyes like you, my reader, and there are a couple of things I don't remember writing like "Be a Mother" WOW I wrote that?? What in the world... And "Help the poor in Singapore" WOW I WROTE THAT TOO?? How altruistic! I don't remember at ALL what I wrote. Reading it again gives me the chuckles.

But it's also made me remember how terribly emotional I was back then. I mean, just look at the last two things that I wrote. "That friends and family know they are loved by me" and "Die knowing that I have lived" Gees, I sounded suicidal back then!?!? My memory is bad so looking at things now, I'd get surprised by things I wrote even just say, a few months back. But now the memory is returning... the feelings as well. I remember... feeling very.. how do I put it? I was feeling a lot of things at that point of time. The reason why Xiangyun made me write that note to myself was in a way, to motivate me, to get my act together and start doing things. I believe she must've felt something was off about me then. She's quite an inspiration herself. I was there keeping her company while she was working on a project and I remember her telling me about her intention to pursue a Master's (which she currently is btw!!) and all her aspirations, hopes and dreams. I felt happy for her, felt excited for her. Then I looked down at my list of things and felt disappointed. Like there's this huge mountain ahead. It felt so tall and insurmountable. Sounded so difficult and far away. So much things at once to complete. I wanted to do those things too, yet I had zero motivation to do anything at all.

I felt so tired, so... so lazy. I remember looking at everyone else, looking at Xiangyun, and thinking to myself, "how the hell does she have so much energy?" And then I looked at myself and wondered, where the hell did all my zest go to? How did I become such an empty shell? Listless, feeling so much sadness and unaware of it all. At that time, I actually thought I was okay, not sad, maybe just a changed person. And I was honestly quite scared I'd remain that way forever.

I had been a ghost of my former self. And I'd been living that way, unknowingly.

When I wrote those things on that piece of paper, I didn't even write it with much heart. I didn't even want to keep it. I didn't even know why I had to write it. By the way, I didn't even take that picture. Xiangyun took a picture of it and sent it to me to remind me of what was important.

Fast forward to now. And I'm here. Talking to you in 2017.

When I look back at how I got to where I am now, things became better. Slowly, and gradually. It wasn't easy. That road to recovery wasn't easy. But the main thing was things, got, better. And things got a whole lot better. Life got better.

I was thinking of signing up to do my driver's license a few days ago and then suddenly got reminded of this to-do list, which led to this post. And the reason why I'm writing this post is also because I'm trying to figure out how I recovered. I was stuck in a deep rut back then and I really thought I was never gonna come back out. I want to remember how sad I felt then too, and how I arrived here at this point of time in my life - energised, inspired, motivated and ready to get back into the daily grind.

I'm determined even, to work hard again and do what I do best. I'm trying to figure out how I got to that mindset shift.

I think it's that moment when I realised I was attaching my self, and self-worth to a lot of things in life - even circumstances, which are things that I can't control - that caused me to have that change in mindset. I've stopped expecting so much out of life. I didn't try to control every damn outcome in life. I simply accepted that life turns out the way it does and sometimes it's nothing to do with how I'm part of it and how I'm to blame for every little thing.

But I really don't know for sure. What I do know is that I'm glad I had my friends when I was stuck in that rut. I'm very aware of how lucky I was to have friends who were so supportive of me. If you've depression, you must reach out. You MUST. There will be friends who don't understand what you're going through but there will be some who will be willing to stick by you, and pull you out. Even when you feel like you're so alone. Only you can rescue you, but without that helping hand, you may not even be able to catch hold of anything. So reach out.

Xiangyun constantly called me out to meet her then and it was good because it kept my mind occupied lest it wandered too much. Always grateful to her for doing that. She's been a great supporter. And then there was Suxin. That one friend who really REALLY took me out of that hole by listening to what was going on in that head of mine. Simply being present when something was troubling me. And I'll never forget that.

At Suxin's place during CNY.
My best friends at this point of time in ma life :)

Who'd do stoopid shiat with you

Who'd let you go by a day without makeup
At Huiquan's place.
We hopped to each other's places. Hope it's gunna be a yearly tradition hehe

They came over to my place first actually haha


We're doing the only pose that Suxin knows how to do. A hunch and a twist.
Huiquan looks spazz.
Went around by car - Huiquan's! From East to North to West. Look at that tiny humannn behind that wheel
Damn I really needa get that driver's license and terrorise others on the road

Yummy tums tums food that Suxin's mom cooked for us.
Last year's dins was at my place. Seems like we're taking turns haha
And of course grateful for family too, no matter how retarded they may be.

Nostrils ;-)
Ma best workmate Shreeya Pillaiiii even tho diff departments now
Photo was taken two days ago cos it's Current Affairs Department's last day at Caldecott and we just had to take a photo to commemorate our friendship that blossomed here!! Down that runway hahaha. When I was just a weeee intern.

Btw, I've something to announce. I PASSED MY VOICING AND PIECE-TO-CAMERA TEST!!!!!

Passed on my first attempt deyyyy
I look weird on camera la. Like my eyes look extra droopy man. And I really had to put a ton of makeup + pull my hair back + wear an office dress for this. Effort maxxxx.

But I was frakkin ECSTATIC when I found out I passed cos I knew it'd be a very long drawn process if I didn't. The people who are on the judging panel only come together every three months to watch our clips and so if I fail, I'll have to continuously submit clips over the course of many months just to get it passed. My colleagues warned me that it wouldn't be easy passing and that there were folks who took years before they pass. So I told myself, I'm going to have to pass this one time and get it done and over with. I did it and NOW I'M OVER THE MOON!!!!!

This also means that I'll have ownership of my story. I can voice my own stories and do everything knowing that hey, I can call it my own :-)

There are bigger things to come. Now I just need to get my writing sorted. Then get confirmed as a full-time staff. And then... hey hey hey, you might just be seeing me out on the streets doing my own stories real soon hehe.

So, here I am. 2017. Feeling rejuvenated. Energised. Ready to rock n roll. This was what I was talking about when I said I'd rise again. And I'm sooo excited.

For anyone who's feeling like they'll never get out. Stick it out. Stick it out longer because you will pull through. It's easy to end the pain, here and now. In fact, it takes a lot of courage to do that. But it takes even more courage to live it out. To hold it out. And wait.

This isn't just coming from me. I've spoken to people, and I've talked to a friend who suffers from depression and we were talking about troubled youth and she said she wish she could just tell them, "You only have to wait." Things will get better. They always do.

And that list? I'll be ticking them off one at a time, just you wait and see!

Happy lunar new year!!!! Alright, over and out, time to get angbaos.

Center-parting let's go

Happy lunar new year!!!!
Alright, over and out, time to get angbaos.

Ma main man (men) workin' hard for moi. Yesterday, we deconstructed the cupboard that's ...

out with the old, in with the new

Ma main man (men) workin' hard for moi.
Yesterday, we deconstructed the cupboard that's been in my room for agessss.. And it's been here with us back in the day when my grandma, who has long passed on god bless her soul, stayed with us. Which means it was wayyy back when I was just an itty bitty cutie.

I've always been fine, even happy, using old stuff till they disintegrate (evident in my school years when I'd wear shoes and socks till they had holes in them and i'd refuse to buy new ones - i even remember my friends buying me a pair of socks for my birthday..... DOBY IS FREEEE hahahh). But my dad was insistent that I get a new cupboard. I don't know what possessed him to be so adamant about changing it. Probably the last gift to me before I leave the house some day.

Well, the problem with me and old things is that I attach sentiment to these objects. So I never let go. And I hold on tight to them till they break down, literally. I mean one reason why I didn't like carrying new stuff in school was firstly so that I could prove that I knew what it's like living without a lot and living with enough - having one pair of shoes, and one bag and one uniform and that's it - yeah call it dramatic during puberty or perhaps MATURE, as I'd like to see it hahah. But the MAIN reason would be that I'm simply always attached to objects, feelings and people.

And yes, even to cupboards.

But there was one thing up on that cupboard that's been with me for a decade that I found quite hard to let go even after so many years....

And it's this:

The biggest birthday present of my life so far.

As you can see, it's a huge cardboard box painted by my lovely friends back when I was secondary 3. Back then, birthdays were BIG. I'd always get soooo excited becos friends would always come up with crazy surprises every year. And they'd get better with each passing year. This was one of them and you can read how excited I was to have received it then, over here. (i just had a look and the first sentence was 'greaaaat 15th birthday'. kids don't lie)

I remember my friends got a whole box full of ikea stuff because back then they thought I was the weirdest kid ever and I was always so random. So they stuffed random shitzels in them like a basin scrubber, dried flowers, soft toys.... I can imagine how fun it must've been preparing that box of surprises for me. A lot of heartfelt notes, hand-painted items and sweet wrappers as well HAHA cos if I remember correctly, they were munching on fruitie sweets whilst painting the entire box at someone's house.

That box - was filled with a lot of love. And even I, as a 15-year-old then, knew how loved I was by my friends in school, no matter how different and strange I was.

Writing all this has made me teary, sigh. Because those times were so innocent, pure and well just simply wonderful. The friendship back then was yeah... no other words to describe but, innocent. Formative years, all in there, in that big ass box. It represents my teenage years and my idealisms.

And after taking a photo of it and telling my family all about it...... I threw it away.

It represented good things. But it also represented the places, time and people that have left my life and moved on. A lot of the friends who were part of that surprise... I've lost touch with many of them. Some I fell out with, some I feel disconnected from, and one who's living miles and miles away.

I felt a tinge of sadness, but I knew, without a doubt, that I had to throw it away. It was rotting up on my cupboard - I mean... it's been ten years man. The things inside were mostly junk now after taking out stuff that I could use. Most of all, memories have faded and friends have moved on.

The heart says no, but the head says a million times over, yes. 

Throw. it. away.

So it's my turn to move on. It's definitely a symbol of transition for me and letting go of the past. I am still a very sentimental person - emotions are a huge part of me but if not properly managed, emotions can also get in the way of a lot of things - Progress, growth, and maybe even sustenance.

I read somewhere that, living in the past leads to depression, living in the future leads to anxiety. Do the math and you're left with living in the present :)

So here's my new cupboard!

Spanking new ikea cupboard. The irony eh? Throwing ikea stuff and getting new ikea stuff hahaha. I loveeee the look of my cupboard though! Plus I've so much more space for my clothes now that it's been expanding ever since I landed myself into work. It's really tall too, almost touching the ceiling! (the hanging rack is really high too. swedish people. lucky i'm tall hehe) - which explains why I need to throw out a lot of things otherwise, there ain't no space in my room left.

I still have a lot of things in my room that I need to throw away. I've a confession to make - I still have my secondary school books with me. All of them. Not a single one that I could bear to throw away even after moving on to jc and uni. I still am contemplating which ones to throw away because... HOW CAN YOU THROW BOOKS AWAY??? It's almost as if I'm throwing away what, 16 years of my education?!?! Jeeezus. My mom said, "the knowledge's all in your mind". Dear Mom, sorry to disappoint you but a lot of it is gone. I've always thought I'd return to books some day though... like when I'm 60 and retired and I wanna read up on my history books again. Ya never know when they'll come in handy. Oh I don't know, maybe I'll just pass them on to Salvation Army or something. If they're even relevant at all. Kids so smart these days with every syllabus-change.

birthday box in the background
Remember this photo I took for a photo exhibition on Womanhood back in June last year?

Perhaps this marks my true transition into a woman.

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