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Ma main man (men) workin' hard for moi. Yesterday, we deconstructed the cupboard that's ...

out with the old, in with the new

Ma main man (men) workin' hard for moi.
Yesterday, we deconstructed the cupboard that's been in my room for agessss.. And it's been here with us back in the day when my grandma, who has long passed on god bless her soul, stayed with us. Which means it was wayyy back when I was just an itty bitty cutie.

I've always been fine, even happy, using old stuff till they disintegrate (evident in my school years when I'd wear shoes and socks till they had holes in them and i'd refuse to buy new ones - i even remember my friends buying me a pair of socks for my birthday..... DOBY IS FREEEE hahahh). But my dad was insistent that I get a new cupboard. I don't know what possessed him to be so adamant about changing it. Probably the last gift to me before I leave the house some day.

Well, the problem with me and old things is that I attach sentiment to these objects. So I never let go. And I hold on tight to them till they break down, literally. I mean one reason why I didn't like carrying new stuff in school was firstly so that I could prove that I knew what it's like living without a lot and living with enough - having one pair of shoes, and one bag and one uniform and that's it - yeah call it dramatic during puberty or perhaps MATURE, as I'd like to see it hahah. But the MAIN reason would be that I'm simply always attached to objects, feelings and people.

And yes, even to cupboards.

But there was one thing up on that cupboard that's been with me for a decade that I found quite hard to let go even after so many years....

And it's this:

The biggest birthday present of my life so far.

As you can see, it's a huge cardboard box painted by my lovely friends back when I was secondary 3. Back then, birthdays were BIG. I'd always get soooo excited becos friends would always come up with crazy surprises every year. And they'd get better with each passing year. This was one of them and you can read how excited I was to have received it then, over here. (i just had a look and the first sentence was 'greaaaat 15th birthday'. kids don't lie)

I remember my friends got a whole box full of ikea stuff because back then they thought I was the weirdest kid ever and I was always so random. So they stuffed random shitzels in them like a basin scrubber, dried flowers, soft toys.... I can imagine how fun it must've been preparing that box of surprises for me. A lot of heartfelt notes, hand-painted items and sweet wrappers as well HAHA cos if I remember correctly, they were munching on fruitie sweets whilst painting the entire box at someone's house.

That box - was filled with a lot of love. And even I, as a 15-year-old then, knew how loved I was by my friends in school, no matter how different and strange I was.

Writing all this has made me teary, sigh. Because those times were so innocent, pure and well just simply wonderful. The friendship back then was yeah... no other words to describe but, innocent. Formative years, all in there, in that big ass box. It represents my teenage years and my idealisms.

And after taking a photo of it and telling my family all about it...... I threw it away.

It represented good things. But it also represented the places, time and people that have left my life and moved on. A lot of the friends who were part of that surprise... I've lost touch with many of them. Some I fell out with, some I feel disconnected from, and one who's living miles and miles away.

I felt a tinge of sadness, but I knew, without a doubt, that I had to throw it away. It was rotting up on my cupboard - I mean... it's been ten years man. The things inside were mostly junk now after taking out stuff that I could use. Most of all, memories have faded and friends have moved on.

The heart says no, but the head says a million times over, yes. 

Throw. it. away.

So it's my turn to move on. It's definitely a symbol of transition for me and letting go of the past. I am still a very sentimental person - emotions are a huge part of me but if not properly managed, emotions can also get in the way of a lot of things - Progress, growth, and maybe even sustenance.

I read somewhere that, living in the past leads to depression, living in the future leads to anxiety. Do the math and you're left with living in the present :)

So here's my new cupboard!

Spanking new ikea cupboard. The irony eh? Throwing ikea stuff and getting new ikea stuff hahaha. I loveeee the look of my cupboard though! Plus I've so much more space for my clothes now that it's been expanding ever since I landed myself into work. It's really tall too, almost touching the ceiling! (the hanging rack is really high too. swedish people. lucky i'm tall hehe) - which explains why I need to throw out a lot of things otherwise, there ain't no space in my room left.

I still have a lot of things in my room that I need to throw away. I've a confession to make - I still have my secondary school books with me. All of them. Not a single one that I could bear to throw away even after moving on to jc and uni. I still am contemplating which ones to throw away because... HOW CAN YOU THROW BOOKS AWAY??? It's almost as if I'm throwing away what, 16 years of my education?!?! Jeeezus. My mom said, "the knowledge's all in your mind". Dear Mom, sorry to disappoint you but a lot of it is gone. I've always thought I'd return to books some day though... like when I'm 60 and retired and I wanna read up on my history books again. Ya never know when they'll come in handy. Oh I don't know, maybe I'll just pass them on to Salvation Army or something. If they're even relevant at all. Kids so smart these days with every syllabus-change.

birthday box in the background
Remember this photo I took for a photo exhibition on Womanhood back in June last year?

Perhaps this marks my true transition into a woman.

Hello! How has 2017 been for you?? :) This coming 18th is supposed to be my probation date confirmation - which means my boss will look at...

if it happens, it happens

Hello! How has 2017 been for you?? :)

This coming 18th is supposed to be my probation date confirmation - which means my boss will look at the quality of my work and how far I've come so far in the 6 months that I've been at CNA, then determine whether I should stay or whether I'm out of the news department. (six months just flew by eh?? wow!) Sometimes I like to think the worst of things so I'd be mentally prepared. Sounds crazy but honestly, if I get laid off, I'd take it in my stride because whatever happens just happens. If I don't suit the newsroom then I don't suit the newsroom. It's like, if I get breast cancer today, I won't ask God, why me. Because things happen. And it ain't your fault. The world does not revolve around you. Things, just, happen.

So on Friday night, I got a message through the internal messaging system: "let's have a chat". It was my boss. Every time I get a message like that, my heart would do a flip 2 times. Alright, maybe three or four hahah. I knew right then, that she was probably going to talk about my probation. I took in a few breaths almost as if I was going to be told whether it was going to be a girl or a boy, only that the outcome was prolly going to be a lot more than just a simple baby gender prediction. I walked into the room behind her with a nervous spring in my step. Before the door closed, she turned around and said, "It's about your probation". I just nodded and thought to myself, well, this is it!

Right when we were about to sit down, she blurted it out. So fast that I couldn't quite catch what she said at that moment. Or maybe I was just so preoccupied in my own thoughts. My boss was straight up and there was no beating around the bush. She said:

"You're getting an extension."

My mind went, "Extension? What's that mean??? What?? WhAt?? *alarm alarm alarm"

"We're extending your probation by 3 months because your writing still needs to improve."

At that point of time, my mind went blank. It was not ready for the third option: an extension. It's like you're waiting for this moment when you thought the guy was going to propose to you but he tells you he's gay. Then he asks if the both of you can still be friends. And you're like huh? Woah woah, wait a moment, I need to take this in.... Wait what?? That's not in any of the options for my MCQ Question. Cher, cher! There's a typo error right here in my exam paper hahah.

Anyway back to my situation, I shut out the mind going into red alert and listened to what she had to say - My news point needs to be sharpened. I haven't been getting my ledes right for my stories. That I will need to be producer-ready before they'd even let me go out reporting.

I love talking to my boss. I know I was supposed to go into some panic mode but eventually, I understood why my probation had to be extended. It wasn't about me, it was just getting my craft signed, sealed and ready to be delivered. And I'd like to see this another way. I see it as something good. The thing with me is that I'm a slow learner. And I know it. Even before I entered the company, I prepared myself for this, that the learning curve will be steep and that it's going to take me a while before I get my groove. I take this extension thing as a challenge.

My track record has always been this way: I fall. I fall hard. Then I wake up. And I start climbing again. It'll take time, but I'll eventually make it. When I look at what's happened in my life, it's always been this way. It's always challenging at the beginning, but hey, with a bit of perseverance and determination, I will make it. I always do. At JC, my H2 Econs was so bad in Year 1. I was one of the bottom few in class and boy I struggled. It was so bad that I almost retained just because of my shitty Econs grade. Lucky I got an S or E, which was enough for me to be promoted. I took it in my stride, but I knew the hard work HAD to begin. I was asked to go for extra remedial lessons every Saturday in Year 2 because I was THAT bad. Selected students were asked to attend those lessons and I was one of the chosen ones. How special was I indeed haha. And boy did I work my ass off during those remedial lessons. I worked that ass off so hard. And thanks to my wonderful new econs teacher in Year 2 and remedial lesson coach, it paid off - I got an A for A levels. What's more? I had fallen in love with the subject, something I never could've predicted when I first started. I always begin at the back of the pack, never in front. But give me time (a lot of it), and I will show you.

It's the same for this. 3 months. Give me 3 months and I will prove to ya :)

I try not to take things so hard now. I'm slowly getting over the whole, "it's-me" thing. Sometimes it really just isn't about you. It's about your work and nothing about you as a person. The people around you want you to get better. Want you to do well. Nothing about how lazy or shitty you are as a person. And well, I don't want to take things personally anymore. It's time, to get CRACKIN'.

Some people ARE lazy pieces of shit, but I know that I am not. I'm a good hard worker and my work will show, just give me time.

I hope this helps you as well if you're struggling. Things will get better. They always do~ And well, if the worst happens, hey, shit happens man. Laugh in the face of the shit storm in front of ya and it'll get better trust me.

Aside from work (which is my life basically haha), I've been bored. I've got too much time. So much time that I think that if times were bad, I could hold two jobs. I'd say there's definitely work-life balance at this stage. Most of my time however, shall now be dedicated to reading more news before I start the workday. Also, I will be trying to exercise a lot more so that I will be fit enough to do another trek some time in May - my colleague has proposed we do the annapurna trek in Nepal together and I'm psyched. I'm down for it bro. There's a 21km run in April before I do that hike. So I'm gonna hit pasir ris park a lot more often these days. Running on a high - needing a lot of motivation.

But I think, I'm missing out a lot on meeting new people. I realise I NEED that social interaction. That extroverted side of me is screaming out. I haven't been socialising and I'm talking about new people, not friends. I'm getting so bored. I've unnecessary energy that goes nowhere. So sometimes I just go out to rollerblade just to get it off. Or watch TV and eat oranges. I need to meet people otherwise my life will be miserable like a potato.

And yeah maybe it's time I get a mate. I know all of you must be wondering why I'm still single after all this time, good lord I'm turning 25 this year and my love life is almost close to nada. Singapore must be so mad at me for not contributing to the TFR, jesus. It's partly my fault though. When I'm in Singapore, my social circle is so comfortable. I already have friends. While I was at school, I had so much things to do that'd occupy my time. But now, I'm just freakin bored. I've time on my hands. I had a lot of time on my hands last year as well, but it was mostly with family, especially my parents - to make up for lost time after being away for a while. But, it has come down to this - enough family time, they probably want to see me out and about. I bet they've questioned my sexuality too. I bet YOU'RE thinking the same, so let me get this straight (omg the pun). I've always been focused on school and I thought work would take up a huge chunk of my time but it seems like I'm getting by pretty well.

As the title of this post goes, if it happens, it happens.

So yeah, 2017 has been getting along pretty fine so far. Trying to take things as they are, and just live day by day. I know there will be challenges but I'm taking them as learning opps. Training ground for bigger things in store. Just you see!

2016, you were one heck of a f-ed up year and i'm happy to see you go. 3am and I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Cleared up the hous...

riddance to 2016 and taking in 2017

2016, you were one heck of a f-ed up year and i'm happy to see you go.

3am and I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Cleared up the house after the annual countdown gathering at my place. I foresee spending next year's countdown in the office... lucky to have a day off today :)

It's the first day of 2017 and I look ahead with trepidation. I think this year will be a challenging one as I work through my first year on the job. 2016 was a mentally and spiritually exhausting year and I know things were never meant to be easy, but it'd been a truly difficult one indeed.

5 friends lost their parents, I lost a friend, and the world lost great artists. Donald Trump won a major election, Britain left the EU and protectionism is on the rise. Getting used to a new workplace, meeting new people and learning difficult things about myself.

Constantly finding my feet in this world.

So much changes - mostly bad ones - happened and they were trying times. If I could describe 2016 in a sentence, I'd simply say it was the worst year of my life thus far. But as it always is, the tough experiences are the ones that teach you lessons. Lessons that wrenched open my eyes and made me take a good hard look at things. I thought I knew it all, that my life had already aligned with the stars and the gods were dancing from up above. But that was far from the truth.

This world is complex, and things were never meant to be simple. People are complex, thoughts are complex, even I am complex. A complex human being. Complexity, I'd say, is the very human condition.

My idealisms have shifted and I'm trying to get used to worldly demands. Yet, I constantly remind myself to never lose that sense of wonder.

2017, despite the uncertainty, anxiety and fear of what's to come, I still look to you with foolish optimism, hope and blinding faith. I want to conquer so much things this year - driving test, learning new languages, scaling new heights (literally)..... so I look to you with great excitement and thrill too. They'd definitely go on my list of resolutions.

But if I could tell myself one thing and one thing only to remember throughout the year,

that would be to...


A photo for sentimental reasons... I shouldn't look so happy because in all honesty, I'm...

Say goodbye to my sp_____

A photo for sentimental reasons...
I shouldn't look so happy because in all honesty, I'm really scared!!
Yeap if you guessed it..... I'm saying goodbye to my spectacles and hello to perfect eyesight!

I've thought about it for a longggg time. A long time meaning at least 3 years. To do lasik.

There are many reasons why: the main one for convenience sake. After doing so much travelling and mountain climbing and knowing that I'll be doing more of those in the future, I've decided I want to correct my vision without me needing to think about contact lenses, and bringing along lenses solution that has to be in a 10ml bottle (hahah annoying airplane restrictions). Lucky chaps who've perfect eyesight!!! This is the pain us speckies have to go through.

Also, I've started working. I foresee my work hours becoming increasingly irregular and I don't want to have to worry about whether I should take out my lenses because lenses in the eyes for too long is bad and yada yada. I foresee doing a lot of outdoor activity if I ever become a reporter. I need my eyes!

It'll also be a good investment. I told myself that once I get down to my last set of contact lenses, I'll make my decision. Indeed I have, and I told myself, let's do it. It'll save money in the long run because I no longer need to buy contact lenses or solution. I also wanted to get a new pair of specs but hesitated knowing that I had a bigger decision to make.

Lasik doesn't come cheap. It's a grand total of $3-4k. I don't usually spend a lot of money. When I buy clothes, I usually only spend during cny period - what a girl. But when I know something is worth the buy, I'll have a good think about it and take the leap.

Contact lenses have never really bothered me - yes, I could go on wearing them but I think with all the factors I've laid out, I'd rather go without them. Besides, I don't use and have never used coloured contacts or any beautifying lenses - I think they make people look artificial. I no longer like wearing spectacles for they make my ears painful because they're heavy and fun fact: my eyes are not aligned, so the frames will never be straight. What I do like about them is that they frame my eyes :) So that's something I'll miss, being able to change my look with just a pair of frames. My colleagues couldn't recognise me when I started wearing them the past 2-3 weeks (when a vessel burst haha and because I had to prepare for my lasik op)

I've waited so long to make the decision because I am scared. I'm very scared in fact! It's my eyessss we're talking about. I worry about many things - if in the long run, the vision goes blurry again. The side effects. Becoming blind - a possibility. I'd be depressed.

And as silly as it may be.......... I'll miss my spectacles. I've made it very much a part of my identity - that geeky lil me hehe.

There's also a really silly childhood principle that I've held on to for a long time. You see, when I was 15, there were so many stories of plastic surgery and perfection. I told myself never would I ever go for any of those. Including lasik. And I'll show everyone that you can wear specs and still be awesome. I wanted to be perfectly imperfect hahaha. But now, there are other reasons why I want to do away with my spectacles. Perhaps, it also symbolises moving on to adulthood.

A lot of the fear is emotional more than rational. It feels like I'm doing away a part of my soul. Like you'll be seeing glassy eyes after I do lasik. You can't see through my eyes and into my soul. But I'm aware that it's not a rational thought and it's just me being dramatic heh.

I've had two cousins who've done it, a close friend who's just done it. And someone who's said it was the best decision ever. Over the years, I've mulled over it.

And I think it's about time :)

p/s the appointment for my lasik op is in fact today. consultation + operation all on the same day. wish me luck!! won't be blogging about the procedure unless something goes horribly wrong or if i become emotionally unstable after that hahahahah. choy ah!

p/p/s happy to have my momma with me. she coincidentally took leave the same day too and when she found out, she said she'd go too. i told her she didn't have to come with me but she insisted. well at least i've a hand to hold on to, i can only imagine being wheeled in and ya know how they do it on tv and the tears and the "noooo don't leave me". hahaha ok it's all in the imagination. my mom's really supportive - guess it's because she was one of the pioneers in her generation to wear contact lenses so she'd want me to be just as pioneering lol. jokes.

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