A scene that Lilian snapped, which we both felt was beautiful.

It was the last day of CNY on Monday.
Prior to CNY, I had nonchalant feelings for the festive season.

But by the end of it, I must say, it is one of the most memorable New Years that I've had. A special one to me. It marked the first CNY that I could feel the bond of my family. It is also the closest we've ever been and I haven't ever felt that amount of love within us. This is truly the closest we've ever been. The house is a home now. The amount of self-disclosure and awareness that we've had the past few days... I think my family, or at least for me... I've felt the gratitude of being brought up in this family I was born into. The web of certain unspoken privileges is now realised and cherished for what it is. Extremely delicate but nonetheless, there, and present.

Only appreciated for what it is now when it's been there all the while.

Also, not just with my family... I remembered what my 2015 New Year's resolution was, which was to spend time with both family and friends. I never achieved any of that in 2015. But never is any time late, because I accomplished all of that at the tail end of 2015 and beginning of 2016. Perhaps it's because after coming back from my travels, I met a whole bunch of my friends at once like an open dam. Somehow though... I feel a certain change in dynamics. I sense a closeness with each and every one of my friends this year. A certain depth. Perhaps I'm just getting old, and I know whatever that I currently have is more than enough. And I'm beginning to understand what it means to appreciate an individual for all of his or her nooks and crannies. As I count the years go by, these friendships are going to be more important than ever. Unlike family ties, friendships dissolve easier because of the lack of seeming commitment. Which may make them harder to hold on to, explaining how friends can simply come and go. That only means that the friendships we have now should be treasured. For whatever little time we have, and whatever the future may hold.

So all my friends here: know that I treasure every single itty bitty one of you! (there are some whom i didn't get to snap a photo with as well haha)

Stephanie, who so excitedly called me out to meet.

My wkw core ;-)

Yuanyun and our shit storm right in the middle

Rebecca Tan the childhood friend, whom I will be a bridesmaid for!! :') (it'll be years from now, but still.. it is an honour to be bestowed this early)

The unexpected arrival of my Korean Princess lolol.

Tan Lilian you soulmate of a friend you!

May, always there in silent support. I know :) (sorry i had to choose this hair coming out of your head picture. unfortunately, what's seen cannot be unseen ahhaha)

Huiquan and Suxin - Once hall friends, and friends for life. They came over to my place for steamboat, after house-visiting both their houses. So fun!!

Always monkeying around with these two :) We shall never lose that spark.

A few days ago, during a CNY dinner, one of my uncles whipped this picture out on his phone and showed it to us. He's the groom in the photo.

And when I was looking at who was in this photo, I got a shock.

I saw my Ye Ye.
In other words, my grandfather from my dad's side. He's the one seated right in front of the bride and groom, in the middle of this picture like a damn boss he is. Haha. (and my Dad's the skinny guy with the big ears in front of my granddad)

I was shocked because I had seen so so so few photos of him. SO few that this one seemed like a little treasure uncovered. It was a wedding so it was a different occasion and it allowed me to paint another picture of my ye ye. A missing piece found, about this elusive man.

Now what was interesting for me was that this picture was taken in the year 1987. My elder brother was born in 1990. Just three mere years apart. If he had held on a little longer, he would've been able to see his first grand child breathe life. Just three years and we may have had the chance to give him happiness. Alas, he could not wait any longer. He took his final breath just six months after this photo was taken. He left this world before my brother entered it. Two breaths searching and yearning to reach out to one another - one tiny and the other weary. But they missed. By a hair's breadth. He didn't get to see his grandchildren who up till today, wish they could see, feel and touch him. And still wonder what kind of a man he was.

It is one thing to already have memories of a person and another, to always wonder what memories with a person could be like.

Three years more. That is all we ask for.

----

I've heard a lot of stories about him. Oh, yes I have. The most prominent one of all was about him as a grand prix racer back in the day. And I believe I've mentioned it here before as well!

Top picture: Yeye in the front row seated on the left. Middle: Uncle Tony, one of his good friends. Bottom: Grand prix driver

Yes, I've heard this story a million times before told by my dad repeatedly about how he was one of the speedy gonzaleses of his time.

After going home on the night of the CNY dinner, I sat on a stool in my parents' room facing my dad and talked to him. I told him I was fascinated by that picture and that I was so happy to see that photo.

We started talking about my relatives in the photo.
Then it led to my grand dad.
Then it led to my grand dad's untimely death at the age of 51.
Then it led to stories of love and betrayal
And lastly, a very personal story of regret from my dad.

All of them, stories that I had never really heard before.

As my granddad's health started to deteriorate, and when he was lying on his death bed, I was told that the number of friends that he had dwindled. And only a handful of friends came to see him during his dying days. In fact, nobody really came to see him. This was all too different back in the day.

When Yeye was alive and kicking, he had a lot of friends because he was a generous man, always helping his friends and a lot of the time, waived the fees needed for the service he provided as a mechanic. It was always the kampong style of "no need pay now, pay next time". But that 'next time' never came, and he'd conveniently forget it for his friends' sake. So much so that my grandfather's friend, Tony Huggett, became so angry that he helped my yeye collect the money that was owed on his behalf. All of them came up to a total of $10K, which back at that time was a lot of money. Hell, it's still a lot of money now.

He was always giving away stuff at his workshop. When people asked if they could have something, my grand dad would give. One man asked for his television set, and he let him. He let him! Even when he was on his death bed, a 'friend' casually mentioned what a nice camera he had. It was a vintage, classic camera. The sort that would be expensive today. My granddad said... that if he wanted it, he could have it. And that man took it. He took it.

I asked, why was Yeye so stupid? Why did he let all these people take, take and take? So willingly until there was nothing left of him. They were practically robbing him with permission and perhaps even, submission. Why wasn't he able to see through people's intentions? Why???

I was told that he treasured his friends and valued their friendship a lot.

But I wasn't satisfied.

"Why couldn't he be more discerning with his friends? Doesn't he know what they were doing to him?"

And I got my answer. He wasn't loved by his own parents. So he poured his love into his friends, whether or not they had the best intentions. By giving and giving and giving. Unfortunately, there was little or no returns. Or rather, superficial returns. His mother had always practised favouritism and he grew up without much, really. He was the eldest of eight children and the least fortunate of the lot, having to strike out on his own and make a living.

Bottom line: he was not a man who was loved. And he died, alone, on his death bed. With a failed business, failed marriage, failed friendships. The man was nothing but a shell. And how is life worth living, when you are emptied out without love?

I pained for him. How he died this way... A man stripped of his pride and literally his possessions when everything was taken away from him. But if you think about it, he actually never really owned anything in the first place. He searched for love and belonging in others right from the beginning. And love in one form or another is something everyone has and should have. But the man did not. Oh, yeye........ You died in vain....

And as my dad continued talking, he shared his personal story of regret.

When my grand dad started growing weak and feeble, so much so that he relied on my dad for feeding and bathing him, he had this one humble request. And it was: To help shave his scraggly beard for him.

The man knew he was going to die. He wanted to look clean on his death bed.

But for months, my dad put it off for the longest time and procrastinated till the end of time. And the end it was. When my grandfather passed away, he died with his beard.

Up till today, my father has that one regret of not shaving his father's beard for him. The son did not fulfill that one last dying wish of his father's. He must have felt like he hadn't done his duty. It was that one simple unfulfilled task, which my dad still remembers not having done.

A story of regret.

It was then when a tear rolled down my cheek. Stories of pain, suffering and regret - the very human condition. All so painful to hear.

But I think... it is also with these stories of deep dark shame and suffering where the potential for love, joy and happiness is born. When my dad shared with me these stories, it created a bond between us. And I think there was an unspoken desire from my dad not to let what happened to my yeye happen to him, and eventually his own children. The cycle has to be broken. And from that experience we shared, that was where we found meaning between us, parent and child. To cherish what we currently have, no matter how insignificant they may be, before it is too late.

----

Three years more, was all we ask for. And another two, before my grandfather could see me, his grand daughter who thinks about him even though our hearts have never beaten together in the same space and time. But love transcends all and he will be where my heart resides.

Lacking in motivation right now in doing things. Sometimes it comes in spikes.
Maybe it's because there are so many small things that I want to do. And so many big things that require patience and time. Then I get all jaded about everything and then end up procrastinating doing anything.

I actually slept my entire day away. Woke up at 11am even though I had 8 hours of sleep. Yesterday was the same thing.. I just slept the entire day. And then today after just barely 3 hours awake and having done nothing, besides eating and watching tv, I fell right to sleep again at 2pm and woke up at 6:30pm. Wth is wrong with me?!?!?!??! Am I sleeping beauty???

Perhaps it is after CNY and all that busyness of going around and eating haha. Everyone whom I've told about my employment status tell me to "Take your time. Don't need to rush". Alright then, I won't rush. But given how I'm like as a person, I like to take action and know that I'm doing something. It actually pains me that I'm not doing anything. Sigh!!!!!!

Hopefully good news will be around the corner~

In the meantime, here are some things that I've been meaning to do.

List of small goals
- Read "Hard Truths"
- Write cards to be posted locally and overseas
- Buy cotton pads
- Blog the rest of SEA trip
- Learn excel
- Learn photoshop (quite embarrassing since as a wkw grad, i'm sorta supposed to know how to use it?)

List of big goals
- Improve Mandarin
- Become financially literate

The list is actually short! Shall add on to it when I have thought more. But hey actually after listing, maybe it's just me who thought it was too much hahaha. Works every time I blog.

Anyway, I've been thinking too much about life. There is so much I want to do but I don't know where to start. I know there will be a time when it will be right and the time is not now. I watch and I read and I feel. And I've been tearing a lot these few days really easily. When there's something or anything that I feel for, I can't help but cry. I was watching Britain's got talent and cried while listening to this choir sing... I don't know why or how but mid-way through, I just cried and the tears kept coming. Jesus... I was even skeptical of the choir at the start.


 

I think it was like a slice of heaven... And then Lily Allen's "Somewhere only we know" came mixing in, and ugh that's a song that hits my heart every time.

So it's the year of the monkey, which is my year, and it was so awesome to have Serena over, as well as my cousin at my homeeee hehehe. Stayovers! Oh how I miss them so. And super impromptu.

Kickass cousin Vanessa who's just got a new cool tat on her shoulder and my Korean sista on the right.

When you've a Korean, well, beauty is the top priority.
So on the night before CNY, this happened...

Serena bought facial masks from Korea for all of us and they're not any ordinary facial masks....

THEY'RE DREAMWORKS ANIMATION MASKS!!!!!!! Left to right: Shrek, Kungfu Panda and Puss in Boots

The panda of your nightmares....

Panda figuring out how to use waxing strips

Yeap, finally waxed my disgusting hairy legs. Finally. That's the key word. Wanted to wax em since agessss but I knew that waxing before Myanmar wasn't gonna be of any use since I'd be covering my legs anyways.

And with my Korean momma,

She beautified me...

Awww...

But when she first asked if I liked how I looked, and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I got a shock.

A rude shock.

Because I felt like there was too much on my face... I couldn't get used to the eye shadow and all that jazz. But I soon got a hang of it and thought I looked alright. I looked... glamourous. Which isn't synonymous to Tan Si Hui hahaha.

Kor & I!

In reality and on a daily basis, we really actually look like this:

brouhahahaha

Every year, CNY is a time for family photo-taking. One of those rare times when we'd take photos.
And with the other two girls around this year, it was pretty fun together. Like my parents bore 2 more sisters :)

The first day of CNY was also Serena's last day in Singapore. T'was a pretty short vacation for her... But she enjoyed Singapore woohoo! Mission accomplished.

On her first day here, we brought her to Universal Studios, which I had not been to. Who's the tourist now eh?

Excited peeps!

More excitement once we were inside

Hats out coz the sun was shining brightly And also, I love my hat too much, gotta get it out in the sun after not using it since my travels~

Wassup dawg

This is Betty, our Taiwanese friend who's been working in Singapore for 1 and a half years. We all met in New Zealand but I didn't really know her too well then. She's real nice!

My rollercoaster bud

I had this assumption that Koreans are wimps and wouldn't be able to take the thrill from all these rides. Surprisingly, Serena was so up for this kinda thrilling stuff and we took both colours of Battlestar Galactica, which was the main reason why I wanted to come in the first place after hearing all about it.

Sadly though, both the red and blue rides didn't live up to my expectations. Not as scary as I thought they'd be.

The Transformers and Mummy rides were better. Serena and I both agreed that Transformers was the coolest thing ever.

But... even though USS was cool and all, I have to say that this will be the one and only time I will ever visit USS. I have... no love for theme parks anymore. I liked them when I was a kid and I remember being sad that I didn't get to take one particular crazy ride when I was too short as a child at Dreamworld in Brisbane. Now, I think after doing bungy and other more thrilling adventures, this is really quite meh to me. Furthermore, it's an artificial world in there. Sentosa~ I dread that place.

Then again, I suppose one day of childhood dreams in one magical place was pretty darn fulfilling.

After USS, it was dinner at Korean Mexican tacos restaurant called Vatos that was damn awesome and of course, a night of drinks. Thanks to Serena and her suggestion coz Vatos is a popular chain in Korea that was started there. It's at Beach Road, no need to thank me ;)


The next day,

Woooooah, Gardens by the Bay!

I was impressed hahaha. Serena wasn't so.
She was tired I suppose.

Singapore is impressive for city lovers I must say. If you love the city, I think Singapore is the go-to destination. It is fun, vibrant and lively. Now I sound like STB. But seriously, it's a World Class City. And I'm proud of it!
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Anyways, hope you guys had an awesome CNY. This year's was one that I least looked forward to, but it had its share of surprises with Serena and Vanessa over at my place hehe!

Also, 2016 feels..... uneventful. Like I can foresee that it'll be a year that will be plain but at the same time, pretty smooth sailing. Whereas for 2015 I prophesised that it'd be a BIG year for me and indeed, it was. With ups and downs. But 2016 just feels bleah to me. I dunno why I have this feeling man. I should feel happy in a way coz that means that there's no extremes that are gonna happen.

Though I must say that I... like to rock the boat ;)

And so, my Korean friend is here in Singapore!!! Just fetched her from the airport and had jumbo seafood for dinner ;) 

Transiting to Thailand from Myanmar was both a happy and sad occasion for me. I'll tell you why..