Let me hiao a bit la ok, my birthday so you can't do anything bout it.

I turned 24 on Wednesday! Ya know, I actually don't feel old at all. I think I'm really young. And I guess also because at my office, I'm one of the youngest people around and they always tell me that I look young (oh what a compliment). I think I've still so much to do, so much potential~~ hahaha.

This year, I decided to put my birthdate on Facebook, and I was so heartened to get soooo many birthday wishes :') It felt nice. And it was good in a sense that I reconnected with a lot of people simply because they wished me personally via whatsapp or messenger and updated me on their lives. Some, I haven't seen for sooo long. Some of them, overseas friends whom I've lost touch with. It felt so darn good!!! I'll be meeting a few of them for dinner just to catch up physically. I removed my birthdate from Fb initially cos I thought it was attention seeking and I was being childish cos I wanted to see who'd remember my birthday lol. But this time round, I wanted to go back to when I first began Facebook in 2011 and find out what it felt like to be inundated by birthday messages. It was a good move indeed heh heh. Glad to reconnect once again - that was in fact, a great birthday present ;-)

There were of course some who loved me more than others haha~

Ngawww

Din Tai Fung cos Din Tai Fung is love.

This one stayed past midnight to countdown my birthday with me. But actually I asked her out HEH.

My twin lol Who is currently overseas

Last week, he suffered the full brunt of my emotions because there were so many things that happened at work, which I think you'd understand from my previous post. My parents were overseas and I'd usually talk to them about my day or life's mundane things so when they weren't around.... I inevitably relied on my brother. But who has time for a stupid sister? Especially when you've got your own life to lead. So he wasn't at home a lot of the time and I kinda blamed him for not being around for me and I was thoroughly pissed. I needed him, yet he wasn't there for me but who the hell would've known. And who was I to dictate what he should do. What a selfish thing to do. So when my parents returned, they sensed that something went wrong between me and my brother, and I think I was visibly stressed. Soon after though, we kinda mended our ways. But I was so sad that I couldn't sleep one night and cried while letting everything out by writing a letter addressed to him. That I was sorry for being an asshole of a sister and that I missed the days when I could talk to him whenever because he was always around. I realised I had taken him for granted then, and well, you don't know what you've got till they slip out of your hands. I didn't pass the letter to him. Only today - He was to fly to Korea for a wedding and I was like "Na, for you. Read when you have time on the plane or something." haha. My brother and I, we have very very different personalities. I care deeply about things and the world around me so I also succumb to my emotions easily. While he on the other hand, is pretty chill about life and let things be. Yet, we communicate in our own special way and I'm very happy to have him. I guess we're just growing up and moving on to things in our separate lives. And I am slowly coming to terms with that.

I guess this is indeed the next phase of my life.

Reporters + Producers - one of the reporters was leaving so it was a farewell session

I finally had time to properly talk to my colleagues. I think it was really important? For me to get to know them and for them to gain trust in me cos well ya know, new gurl in the haus what can i say. It was fun as well lah, some of us adjourned to clubbing at this weird ass place and I thought it was funny seeing them busting their moves, while I was still too sober + embarrassed to be goofy with them.

Knowing them better also gives me an added boost that perhaps I have a place there, and that I can belong somewhere. It's funny how humans have to find a tribe and a sense of belonging. I guess everyone just wants to feel accepted somehow. And yeah, after three months working there (which btw feels more like SIX months), I think I am sorta feeling like I have a place. Of course I miss Current Affairs folks, but at least now, I think I can rely on a few souls in the office. And they shared their struggles too... so now I do feel like these people have been through what I am going through and I think they had it way tougher. I have my moments still, but at least for now, there's this shared sense of camaraderie. Which I appreciate very much actually.

And just when I had one of my lows a few weeks back, life is looking up now. I can see a path ahead once again.

Also because, I have figured out some things in life. I have laid down some rough goals in my career, which came to me quite like an epiphany, and I think they're freakin achievable and I feel a lot more inspired to get my ass crackin again at work. They're kinda like 4-5 year plans and I think it's important to have them because while we were at school, everything was laid out nicely - pri sch then go to sec sch then go to jc then uni then find job. But usually after that last step, it's like huh what next? So I'm pretty set on a path again. It's open-ended of course but has taken a shape that is a lot clearer for me. I'm back in action.

Another thing that happened to me was that I attended this coaching session that lasted for 15 minutes. I was damn skeptical about it cos I think these things are pretty condescending like who the hell are you to tell me what I should do with my life. But just speaking to someone who stripped my thoughts to its core, I kinda figured out some of the expectations I had of my job that created this gap that prevented me from being fully happy of where I am right now.

I realised I had problems reconciling with the fact that my role in the media is to be a facilitator for conversations. I often overlap that with being an advocate. You guys know how I feel deeply for certain issues and try very hard to bring them to light but sometimes fall short because of restrictions and also cos I've forgotten what my role of a journalist is. I think being AWARE of the functions of my job, I have learnt to manage my expectations of what I can and cannot do. Which is good - I may feel shortchanged sometimes but at least I've re-synced the way I think about things. There are ways to better utilise that spirit for advocacy like pushing for stories that I care about by putting my emotions in the right area. And at the same time, I can be contented simply because I played my role as a facilitator well. Advocacy can wait.

For now, this seems about right. Time will tell. I'm quite excited.

New life, new phase, I am ready. It's like I'm 21 all over again.

In the meantime, I'll catch y'all later!

I'm tryna complete my SEA trip blog post hahaha I'm back to writing it again. It's like a project that I started and won't feel satisfied till it's completed. Been a year already whew!

So I fell sick with a flu and a cough. It started with a cough and then my nose slowly transformed into a nasty tap. Yeah, it's one of those~ hate being sick. But there is only me to blame for I ate too much roasted cashews one night in the office and I knew it was gonna come and started downing bottles and bottles of water. Sadly, it didn't help at all. Over the weekend, didn't have proper rest so today I took my first MC from work.

Perhaps falling sick was good so that I get time away from work for a while. I think I've been too absorbed in it that I forget to stop. Yeah, people actually forget to take care of themselves. And I've been thinking a lot about things lately. There's been organisational shuffling, some of my friends are heading to another team. I feel like I've lost a few good men and I've to readjust to a new team with people I'm not as close to. Sigh, getting used to work is already one thing and now, I've to get used to organisational changes. Back to square one. Though I'm actually quite excited because there seems to be a revamp of things and I'm put into a team that will be thinking of ideas for a bulletin's new look. Deep down, I'm really really excited. But the sad thing is, not everyone shares my enthusiasm. I think colleagues who have worked in the company for a while feel like everything is a chore and that there's nothing much to look forward to, while I am actually ecstatic to get things moving.

That's what I miss about school. Wkwsci specifically. At wkw, people just do things. People do BIG things. They don't complain about how tiring it is, we just do. No matter how impossible it sounds, we actually execute plans and think of solutions together. We were high achievers and the sky was the limit. We were the dreamers and the idealists. Perfectionists even, if you ask. That's what I loved about my time in wkw - the spirit of its people. And that's what I miss about school. That momentum, that drive, that morale. It was addictive. Final Year Projects? We could do whatever we wanted. Literally, anything. And I think start-ups tend to be extremely dynamic and if ever I get a chance to, I'd love to be part of a movement like that. It can get very dull and dry in a big organisation because people seem to have lost that drive when they're part of the mill. It's good to learn from the older folks there, but older folks also tend to have lesser energy and motivation to do anything and they're averse to change.

Speaking of Wkw, I'm currently reading a book on Wee Kim Wee, the man himself and his journalistic legacy. We only remember him as one of our Presidents, but little did I know that he was one kickass journalist back in the day when he was working for ST. He went to East Germany to cover the Cold War, went to Congo to report on the Malayan troops' progress as part of the UN Humanitarian Army and snagged an interview with Suharto to announce the end of Konfrontasi. His life as a journalist was colourful, and I wonder why our journalists no longer report on such things. Probably because we now live in peaceful times and back then, it was political turmoil all the time. His legacy inspires me. I think there are still a lot of things to report on in Singapore. We just have to dig deeper and harder...

The suicide story that I'm doing is still in the works. I must say that it has been draining as well, emotionally, because of the stories I hear. Didn't expect it to take so much time. But if it's a story worth doing, then it's a story worth the time and effort (and scolding haha). Yeah, I found it tough to get my angle and the intentions for doing the story right. I also struggle with how much I want to put out there because suicide is still such a touchy subject. Is Singapore ready to address this issue? Well, she better be because it looks set to become a problem in the long run.

And then yesterday was also one of those days when I had to suck it all up and push on. I was told that my writing had to improve. I appreciated the feedback, but of course couldn't help but feel knackered by it.

Well, this is the real world indeed.

Quite a few people have told me that I've lost a bit of that zest in me. That I've become a lot more contemplative and mellow. That I lost my idealisms. Can be quite scary, but I think it's also because I'm adjusting to the real world. I love being idealistic and I still am idealistic, but I must balance it with what the world is like and I think that comes with managing my expectations. I can go further and longer when I choose my battles. And I think that's how life works as well.

I spoke earlier on about missing school, but I wouldn't want to go back to it no matter how much I loved my time there. Because I know, that was the time when I explored and discovered my passions and interests. Coming out of it and into the working world is part of the process. This is back to square one. My brother tells me that the problem with our generation is that we expect to do a gazibillion things once we get out of school, but the reality is... it's primary school again when we enter the working world. Your degrees put you through the door, but it is how you wade around after that that determines where you go in life. Not what you did - not what PSLE score you got or which University you went to. It's all about building your empire from scratch now. So it is baby steps and finding my feet in a new world. It's not easy, and takes a bit of adjusting.

My birthday is also coming soon. This year hasn't been my best year. And I think it's a year of transition. Transitioning into adulthood. It wasn't when I turned 21. It's when I turn 24 this year. I'm kinda looking forward to the new year already because it's a fresh page, a fresh start.

Right now, life feels a bit of a struggle.

But I'm only glad to have people around me - my friends, my family. Even at work, there are a few people who actually care. And it's very heartening to know that there is actually humanity.

Let me share with you a note one of my editors dropped to a few of us, which warmed my heart greatly. The email wasn't addressed to just me, though I knew.... it was for me. Here it is:


It was titled: 'Journalism'

Was asked to help out at the Federation of Asia-Pacific Women's Association conference yesterday, which was held in Singapore this year. It's a congregation of women delegates from a number of countries - Taiwan, Korea, Japan, The Philippines, Guam and well, Singapore of course haha. And every two years, the host country would be rotated via an election. (next one's at the philippines!) Workshops were held over the last few days but I was only around to help for the last day and I was tasked to type the minutes for the summary of resolutions.

Would've been good if I had the opportunity to attend the workshops. Alas, work always comes first.

Anywhos, it was so good to see my favourite pageant girl, Ariel, again :) It's good to be back seeing some of the other girls as well~ it was a great respite.

And yes, you see my hall 3 girls Suxin and Huiquan there toooo. Initially, I only came to help in the afternoon but the organisers from SWA (same folks from my pageant) were sad that I had something on with the two girls for dinner and couldn't stay for the night. Eventually, they told me the two of them could join as well so that I could stay on, and so there they were, part of the festivities as well!

Also, I think I've a thing for wearing ethnic costumes. Since we were representatives of Singapore, the Peranakan costume was what we wore. I love the sarong kebaya and I coaxed Suxin into wearing one. Huiquan came a tad too late for her to switch into one.

As the conference dinner drew to a close, all of us danced the night away to 80s hits since the majority of the representatives from the different countries were all pretty much aged women. I don't know why but I knew all of the oldies music and they were so freakin good to dance to compared to noisy techno club music. Having Huiquan there was a blessing cos each time the song changed, we'd look into each other's eyes and the lightbulbs would switch on when we both knew the songs. We'd go super high. So high that I think we were the ones that kept everyone else on their feet.

You see kids, you don't need alcohol or drugs or cigarettes to help you feel good or forget about things.

Friends, good company, food, music and dance are all you need :-) (plus you ain't gonna need to spend any moolah for that! - maybe just for food hehe)

And in that moment, all my worries and stresses went right outta the window. I was so freakin ecstatic. It's been such a long time since I felt that crazy. And with my friends as well! All inhibitions gone just doing stupid poses and wild moves. As if I were transported back in time when we were all still in our hall rooms doing stupid things hahahaha.

Life right now has been ok. Not amazing, not devastating, just right about fine. Work is an everyday thing. Parents currently overseas. Brother sometimes at home, sometimes not, cos he's over at his girlfriend's place. That leaves me with no one else but loneliness hahaha. So it's great when I have my friends out with me on weekends. Keepin the mind occupied like how I cycled the 23km route for OCBC Cycle today. Turned out to be quite tiring man? But I still thought it was enjoyable though Faruq was whining the entire time cos well he had work later in the day hahaha. Cleaned the house as well, which became 2 hours more of exercise. Pheeyooh I was totally shagged by the end of the day.

I suddenly feel like I'm typing like how I used to when I was in Secondary school. Telling everyone exactly what I did every day. Kinda funny now that I'm doing it again.

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Anyway hi "Chasingsparklers"!!! I usually reply quite fast with my tagboard comments but life has been quite mundane and soso the past month so I apologise for the late reply. As you can tell, I am an optimistic person but it doesn't mean that I'm happy 24/7 or that I feel good all the time. There are blah moments and sad times as well in life.

It took me a while to think of a reply to your question and I'm still pondering as I type. Actually you know, I was quite a pessimistic person when I was younger, really! And I now find it quite amazing that I've changed over the years. So what you feel now... doesn't mean you'll feel the same way for the rest of your life. It's just small, incremental, mindset shifts every day that will build your way towards feeling more optimistic in the future.

I used to not want to be an optimistic person. Because I can be quite a realist too, so optimism used to sound very fluffy to me. Why should I feel gay and happy when I know things aren't that way. Ya know? I think you get what I mean. I didn't want to feel something that I didn't feel. For example, if say, I tell myself I'm not good at learning a new thing. I used to be very hard on myself and think about all the 101 things to back that up. "Oh, you're always so slow." "You'll never get it. Everyone else will get it but you." And I wouldn't want to think another way because well, at that point of time, I believed that what I thought was the truth. Sadly, having a mindset like that leads to self-fulfilling prophesies. And indeed, I'd end up not picking up that skill fast enough because I believed it was true. Then, it becomes a reinforced concept and I'd think that the problem is actually ME. That I AM actually slow.

There are two things to optimism I believe:

1. Optimism doesn't mean feeling happy all the time
2. There are certain un-"truths" that we uphold that prevent that mindset shift

I realised that how I framed "optimism" wasn't really quite right. I used to think it was about feeling happy and positive and joyful all the time. But I think optimism is actually keeping an open mind. Knowing that whatever the outcome may be, we'll still strive to do our best and not subject ourselves to the worst possible outcome. We take a chance and give ourselves that chance because we deserve a shot. It's not forcing myself to feel bright and cheery but it's to be open to whatever that may be. It is when we close ourselves to what could be, which leads us towards a downward spiral.

And then, also, what we think is the truth may not always be so accurate. We'd think the worst of ourselves sometimes, when it may not actually be what it is. So, a lot of the time, the problem isn't us. But how we think about certain things. Do you think about yourself in a very negative way? Is it really true? Or is it just what you think about yourself? We can hold on to that self-concept for years and years and have it bite us back every time. And it's holding on to that self-concept that causes us to hold back, and keep us from doing the things that we really want to do.

So to get around this, I think the first step would be to first know why you want to make that change. That mindset change. It has to be a reason that comes from deep within and it's not one that I can come up for you. At least for me, I recognised that it was preventing me from doing the things that I love and want to try. One of the things that I had always wanted to do was to talk to people freely without inhibitions back when I was 18. And the change had to begin with how I thought about myself first. I used to think that maybe I was too weird for people to like talking to me. But slowly I recognised that thought, then came to accept that hey, I am weird and I love that about me, which then became something I let go, and realised it wasn't actually about me anymore. So I think a lot of it has to do with the concepts and perceptions that we hold of ourselves that hold us back.

I'm sorry to know that you fell into depression... because I know depression can lead people into very dark places. But I think that we need darkness to help us see the light. It's like if a person has never tasted failure, they will never ever truly know the sweetness of success. Both come hand in hand. I think with depression, it makes you quite whole actually! Of course, it's not something anyone would wish to have, but with a little dose of optimism, it'll help you see things in very different ways from people who haven't been through what you have.

You used to be pretty in the past, and you believe you don't quite look so pretty anymore now... I hope that doesn't weigh you down from doing the things that you want to do! There are other areas in your life I'm sure that is still beautiful and if your friends love you for you and not how you look, those are true friends to keep :) They will not avoid you for what your face is like but what a person you are. And I'm sure you are a lovely person!

Perhaps, coming to terms with what happened could help too. Cry about it, let it all go and move from where you are as you go. Embrace what you currently have. Then make the most of it. Show them what you've got! This world can be superficial, for human beings like what they see on the outside. But truly, everyone has something beautiful about them. Discover that "something". Find something new to love about yourself and build on it. Always believe it to be your best asset and flaunt the hell of it!

Whilst you're doing all of that, be gentle on yourself. These changes take time. Fewer expectations, just tiny bits of improvement day by day. And believe me, you'll reach a stage just like I have and you'll be quite amazed by that mindset you've attained after all of it.

So just a recap, (as if this is one of your e-learning exercises haha), make incremental mindset changes. It could be as small as... when you're catching yourself chiding yourself or moving towards negative thoughts, hold up. Let all the noise and chatter in that brain come to a halt. Try doing that first. The process won't be easy, perhaps sometimes you'll find yourself back in a dark place. But keep at it. And remember to breathe~

Remember why you want to do what you want to do. And know that it is worth it.

And always remember to chase those sparklers and sparks while you're at it.

And remember to be a bit stupid once in a while hehe.