I received this message early yesterday morning, after a pool of tears the day before. It was a week of emotions that rose and fell. But s...

I received this message early yesterday morning, after a pool of tears the day before. It was a week of emotions that rose and fell.

But seeing this message from my Burmese friend warmed my heart greatly again.




Shine is of the same age as I am (I know, Myanmar people sometimes have funky names).

He was the first person I met in Myanmar because he was to be my colleague and boss sent him to get me at the airport. He was very very shy and dared not speak up for himself sometimes. He was very helpful though and walked with me all around Chinatown when I first arrived in Yangon. Once we became more acquainted, he even took me to accompany him for his English classes and would always tell me about events that happened in Myanmar in the past. Even with his limited ability to fully express himself in English, I enjoyed our long conversations about his thoughts and ideas about current affairs. You'd be surprised - My conversations with him were far more engaging than those I have with some of my Singaporean friends at home. Very worldly ideas that many in Singapore would think people in Myanmar don't have.

Unfortunately, like a lot of other young people in his country, they lack the confidence to believe that they are more bright, intelligent and capable than they think they are.

Shine's greatest weakness was his inability to see his own strengths. 

One day, he approached me to teach him English. I turned him down coz I knew I could never be a teacher. No patience. No capacity to tolerate. Sky high expectations. And have I already mentioned: No patience?

"Don't ask me to do this. I can't."

Eventually, I talked myself into doing it because, before coming to Myanmar, I promised myself that I wanted to do something for the people of Myanmar. And so, I convinced myself that as a native speaker of English, "even if I think I can't teach, I will still be able to teach because I am more equipped than someone who isn't. I shall try. I shall give it a shot."

I went back to Singapore for my graduation ceremony. Then came back to Myanmar with two Primary 3 and 4 essay books in hand. When I first showed him the books, he sniggered and said, "this is elementary school books! my english is basic standard..." He was embarrassed. Nevertheless, we began our lessons.

Over the course of one month, I tried my best to teach him how to write essays. I was aghast when I realised in his 16 years of education, he was never taught how to write stories but how to memorise them. So I decided to teach him how to write them since long-form writing would be the best way to learn sentence structure, speaking and creative thought all at the same time.

There were good days, and there were bad days. Bad days happened when I could tell he was angry with himself... But I was also angry with myself for not being good enough as a teacher and for failing to make him feel good that he was progressing. One time, I could sense his frustrations because he walked out right after we were done with our session when usually, we'd talk for an hour or so. I was heart-broken.

Subsequently, he told me he needed a break for about two weeks.

Sadly, we never resumed lessons and I just assumed that I had been a bad teacher and I was pushing him too hard. Little did I know, it was his lack of confidence in his own abilities. He had a lot of pride in his ability to use the language. He majored in English at University and was quick to criticise himself every time he made a mistake. (Surprise surprise, standards in Myanmar Universities are very low so having a Bachelor's degree does not equate to anything internationally). But he still took pride in learning English. So much so that he felt down when I had to correct mistakes in his essays, which made him coop to himself and stop approaching me altogether. I think he must've felt like shit that at his age and level of education, his standard of English wasn't good enough.

All the while, I had been thinking about myself and concerned about my own abilities to teach that I had overlooked this. And didn't encourage him to continue learning the language with me.

So before I left Myanmar, I felt like I didn't do much to help him. I thought that.. I didn't help at all. And that feeling sucked lah.

I came back to Singapore and felt like my time in Myanmar was wasted. I still feel that way sometimes. That I hadn't achieved what I set out to do.

I always question if I made the right move since I never did anything big or extraordinary. Or for anyone.


His message today, however, has made me feel hopeful again. I'd been following his progress on Facebook when he passed his english exams to be a tour guide and also eventually, attain his license to become an official tour guide. It was only very recent so I feel very happy for him!!! And also, his message was such a surprise!! He rarely texts or writes me anything at all, even when I was in Myanmar. So this was out of the blue.

It made my entire day : )


With that, I can now say this in retrospect,

"Countless choices define our fate: each choice, each moment, a moment in the ripple of time...

... enough ripple, and you change the tide... For the future is never truly set."


It's just like what I did with Shine. I never thought then, that what I did would be of any use. That it was too insignificant to even mention. I thought I failed. But... just seeing how appreciative he was of our sessions of late night essay writing.... I do feel a sense of hope for whatever that happens in the future.

Perhaps I won't see the flowers and fruits of what I sow today, because I am too myopic for what could happen in months, years and decades later.

Everything counts. Every little thing counts.


When all I could feel was pain, and suffering, I start to see the little glimmers here and there. I find it kind of strange but, every now and then, I also see beauty. In the littlest forms. The way the light shines, or the scene that unfolds in front of me at the window of the mrt. They were things I would've overlooked, but have come to appreciate on a day-to-day basis.

Maybe experiencing the depths of emotion brings about a keener, more acute sense of appreciating the little gifts. And I think that in itself is a gift.


p/s the quotes were from X-men: Days of Future Past (my favourite movie btw, though I never liked action-hero movies. X-men is an exception)
p/p/s apologies for the cheesy titles, and all the emotional posts so far. it's been tough, but thank you for reading and for the very thoughtful comments. i know you guys don't say much, but i will keep writing~

I now know what happened to my friend, one year ago. Details that led to his passing... My heart is still wrenched, but I'm a lot more ...

I now know what happened to my friend, one year ago. Details that led to his passing... My heart is still wrenched, but I'm a lot more at peace now. This new set of information has taken a while to sink in, because even after all these months, it still feels surreal. 

Let's rewind a bit. It was in March this year when I found out that Dominik had passed away in 2015. I reached out to everyone I possibly could through Facebook and Instagram to find out what had happened to him. They were all overseas people and I knew not a soul whom I could reach out to. But I knew that if I tried my best, surely someone would come back to me.

Indeed, at least 5 people got back to me via a personal message through Facebook or a direct message through Instagram. One of them was able to give me a little more than what I had already known - that he had committed suicide due to severe depression. There were other questions of course - for how long did he have depression? by what means did he end his life with? how is his family coping? is his girlfriend ok?

But by the time the 5th person got back to me with the same sort of answer, I realised... everybody was just as clueless as I was. I conceded that I will never know everything.


Then while I was in London in April, I saw a Direct Message in my Instagram inbox.



"Hey I just read your comment asking about dome and I felt like explaining what happened. I don't know in which relationship you guys stood, but I felt like I had to explain cuz of being one of his nearest friends... If you have any further questions or you want to know about something you don't want to talk about in public comments, just let me know.  

Best regards, Philip"


That message was dated 28th March and I had only come to notice it after 3 weeks in April. I guess Instagram doesn't just let anyone text you via DM.

I was of course glad that someone might finally be able to talk to me and tell me about everything. Someone who was close enough to him. Yet, a part of me felt restless because... I had already gotten over my sad phase of thinking about him. Now, I was conjuring up old feelings once again.

I replied Philip hastily. And I waited patiently for his reply.

Three weeks passed. Not a response from Philip even though I knew my message was "Seen". I had been thinking of Dominik again with each passing day. It was agonising.

Then just last week, I could wait no more so I asked Philip once again to help me close this once and for all.

Two days ago, I got a reply and he apologised saying that he'd get back to me as soon as he could.

Almost every hour after that, I couldn't help checking my inbox. I was anxious.

And this was it (reposted with his permission):


" Hello Si Hui,

First of all I have to say sorry, that I didn’t answer earlier. I was on a journey with friends in France and read your message. But this wasn’t the right moment to come back to this topic again for me.

I had big problems with Dominik’s suicide and it made me quite sad for a long time. We were very close friends and I knew him since the age of 10 years. We made sports together regularly and visited each other every time it was possible, when I moved to another city. When the message of his death reached me, I couldn’t grasp what was happening. This is now about one year ago. 

His funeral was on March 16th 2015 on a sunny, beautiful day. I have never seen so many young people at a funeral. The atmosphere was overwhelmed with deep emotions and great speeches of his family and friends. About 250 people were there, carrying flowers, letters and presents for his grave.

His mother told us, not to wear black. Not to feel like it’s a funeral. She wanted us to feel like it’s some kind of a goodbye-saying in a big circle of love. Love for a person we all knew as one of the happiest and most positive persons in our lives. The cinerary urn was colorful and so the whole day was.

Dominik had severe depression. For many years. When he was in New Zealand, we skyped very often and talked about his term on the other side of the world. But he wasn’t very happy there and felt very alone. But I always told him that he shouldn’t raise this time to question. He should just enjoy this privilege to see so many parts of our planet and he can get the possibility to know so many people. Then, when he came back to Germany, he broke up with his girlfriend, Inez. I didn’t really understand his reasons. Because he was saying that he wants to see more of the world and he doesn’t want to determine too early. From this point, he travelled a lot on his own. He went to Dubai, the US, Africa, Brazil, Argentina and many more beautiful places of the world. All alone. Sometimes I think about if this trip was his planned “last trip” – but I really don’t know and I don’t want to speculate if all this was planned months before he ended his life.

In March 2015 he went to the Netherlands, rented a house with a sauna, bought sleeping pills, alcohol and dry ice. He laid down on the floor in the sauna, drank booze, took sleeping pills and unpacked the dry ice.

With this combination, he fell asleep very fast, without any pain and choked by a carbon monoxide poisoning. He was found right the next morning, because he wrote a letter to the park he rented a house in to be careful with this toxic gases, that he doesn’t injure others.

His farewell letter was very simple. I asked his mother to read it. He was just saying, that he can’t go on living this life because of the negative feelings he has all the time. Nobody should feel responsible for his death. He loves his family and friends and will be watching all the time to make sure, that we are alright…

His grave is colorful with beautiful pictures, letters and laces from his family and friends. I go there at regular intervals to see if everything is ok. I talk to him, when I go there. I don’t know if this is stupid, but it feels like he can hear what I am saying and it gives me a good feeling to be by his side. As a friend I am really really missing.

Si / Hui … I don’t know what your first name is … But when I read your comment asking about his situation I felt responsible to answer your questions. Because I know you in some way. Dominik talked about you very positively! He said that you are the funniest girl he has ever met and that you two had a lot of fun together. He showed me pictures of a trip in NZ’s nature with you and some other guys in front of a big jeep with a mountain lake, if I remember this correctly. I think Dominik treasured you very much. And I also think that you were a special friend for him, especially in his dark times in NZ, when he didn’t feel alright. Thank you for this.

Si, I don’t know if you want to, but … If you have something for him to say personally, or a picture, or any other stuff you want me to place at his grave, you can send it to my address. I promise you that if you send something written to me and I should place it there, that I will not read it.

Maybe this could be a way for you to say goodbye to Dome personally. If you don’t want to do something like this, I also respect this. 

Ok Si, maybe my message is very chaotic, because I shed some tears writing this in my office and I had to be quick. But I hope it helps you in some way, understanding, what has happened.

If you have any further questions, just let me know.

Love
Philip "



It took a while to sink in. And it is still sinking in...

I wrote back to Philip thanking him for everything. I told him how bad I feel now that I know that his depression went way back to even when I was with him in NZ. My heart stopped when I was reading how he chose to end his life. I could imagine the scene play out: His heart heavy, but resolute in what he had to do. He was gracious right to the very end when he wrote a letter to the residence he was staying in, ensuring that others not get hurt by what would put him into an eternal sleep. That was the Dominik we knew... Big-hearted in every way. 

I am convinced, that he had a sensitive soul and felt negativity in every fiber of his skin till he couldn't bear it no more so he decided to leave this world.

Perhaps that was his only way out. Perhaps this was his way to relieve his pain.

I am now at least at ease knowing that he's in a better place. Yet, I feel a sense of guilt for making Philip relive his agonies once more. The memory and the pain of losing a friend. I could tell he was careful in typing what he had to say to me. In letting me know that Dominik died without pain and that his final ceremony was a light-hearted one. It wasn't easy for him answering my questions.

In my email back to Philip, I reminded him that it wasn't his fault that he knew nothing of Dom's depression. That I hope he has forgiven himself. And that... Dominik lived a good life because of the times spent with friends like him. He didn't die in vain...

--

Guys, I'm sharing all this with you, because I hope whatever I share with you will help you in some way. Or remind you of what's important in life. I am opening my own life to you, telling you about the good and the bad, and also the sadness that engulfs me. 

With answers and this newfound connection with Philip, I choose to believe everything ended the way Dominik wanted. I'm glad that his funeral was spent in a way that best represented him. Positive, colourful and radiant. 


I found this song by Lukas Graham, and I imagine his funeral to be just as the song describes:




Everyone welcome to my funeral
Everyone I know better be wasted
You know I would pour one up
Cause the way I lived, it was amazing

Ooh-ooh
All of my friends are in the room
Ooh-ooh
Party for me - I'd party too

You're all on my tab
Bartenders pour out the whiskeys on me
And don't be so sad
Cause I lived this good
We were closer
Now it's over
Oh it doesn't mean it's closure
I see you and I love you

I'll be watching out above you



I know you will be there watching, Dominik.

I know you are there.

Because... the day I found out about your passing was,
March 16th 2016.

The It word of the century these days has got to be the E word. Everyone and every article about self-improvement is telling you about havi...

The It word of the century these days has got to be the E word. Everyone and every article about self-improvement is telling you about having more empathy.

"Have more empathy for others"
"Show empathy"
"You need to have empathy"

Let me just first say that the word 'empathy' cannot be used so loosely. There are various definitions everywhere and not all of them are right. And you know what? The fact that 'empathy' has to be emphasised so damn much just shows how disgusting society is for the fact that empathy has to be encouraged.

The fact that empathy has to be encouraged means that > there is a lack of empathy in our society and a lack of it means that > our society does not feel because empathy is linked to emotion > and to not have the ability to express emotion means that people cannot feel from within.

And when you can't feel from within, people learn to "have" it by showing it.

That to me, is just wrong. A person cannot SHOW empathy, you must feel it. And truly feel for it. And for others.

To tell everyone to show empathy is just... disgusting. I cannot find another word to describe how I feel about this. It has to come naturally, not forced. Not something that books can teach. Not something that can be taught one day and be attained the next. No.


Another reason why I feel so strongly against people telling me about empathy, so much so that I have to write a post is because...

I know a group of people that consists of spirited individuals who are already OVERWHELMED with empathy. And if you ever tell these people to have more empathy than they already do, I tell you....... These people will crash and burrrnnnnnnn.

This group of people, they not only sympathise (and that's what most people wrongly replace empathy with), they FEEL and understand another's plight so much so that they have an overwhelming need to do something. They feel the weight and burden of society's problems that they take it upon themselves to solve them.

And when they can't, that's when they exhaust themselves. And may eventually break down.

To me, that's what empathy is like when it's exercised to the fullest. They feel it all the time and they are bugged by problems. It is not Oxford definition but in my books and with my experiences, this is what I believe having empathy is like and the kind of problems that can come with having empathy.

It is not that easy to just say that you have empathy. Let me repeat, it is not. that. easy. It comes with real, actual, problems that people suffer from. It is not something to cheer or show off about. No. It is a real challenge for those who embody empathy. And some don't even know they're suffering from it.

Then you may ask, do such people exist? My Lord let me tell you, yes they do. I'm not gonna name you Mother Theresa or Gandhi. Just look around you, these people could be the ones closest to you. Who's the one listening to you when you've got problems? Truly listening to you? As for myself, people whom I think embody the true spirit of empathy are some of my closest friends.

I have one person in mind who is filled with empathy and she's my good friend Sianpei. Now, she is definitely someone who has empathy. She can feel another person's emotion, so much so, that she takes it upon herself. She told me once about an incident that happened to a person she knew. I can't fully disclose what happened. Let's just say that the person passed on in difficult circumstances. Even though she wasn't that close to the person, she felt and was overwhelmed by emotion for that person because she could feel how that person was feeling at that point of time of the person's passing. And she felt helpless. And it plagued her for months. When she finally told me about it, she broke down. Could she be oversensitive since it's not happening to her directly? No, I don't think so. This is what empathy is. And it's tough because people actually suffer from having it.


And I can say... not all, but most of these people come from my Communications school. They can also be people who advocate for social causes, who get out there and try to make a difference because why? They feel these problems. They don't just know what's happening in the world, they feel the plight of the individuals suffering from the problems.

Which is why sometimes my friends in comms school have to learn to desensitise themselves and take themselves out of their profiles' stories. They cannot be too emotionally invested in a person's story because they have a job to do. To tell those stories. So sometimes I see friends getting overwhelmed and lecturers in school having to actually teach them to remove themselves from what's happening.

So yes, some have to be taught to be less empathetic. Isn't that crazy? In a world where empathy is forced down people throats and are told to simply 'get' it for the sake of it. Some already have too much of it.


One last misconceived notion about empathy: And that is to think that you know what others are thinking.

Once, a man told me he has empathy because he loves to buy gifts for others since it helps him understand what they love. And putting himself in their shoes allows him to exercise empathy. Good job. That's nice. For a start. But that ain't enough. Sadly, he preached to me as if he knew everything about empathy. Brother, I have to disappoint you because buying gifts is an act of simply being a thoughtful friend. You're constructing an imagined world of what you think the person would like. Imagining them unwrapping that gift and whoopdeedoo, you got that gift right. Yay you. Confetti. And that's not knowing their experience. You're controlling that experience of what you think it would be, could be, maybe even should be for the other person.

At least to me, to exercise empathy is to listen, without judgment, without assumptions, without any preconceived notion of what you think they are experiencing.

Those who exercise empathy don't think that they know what others are thinking. They find out what they are thinking. And those who respect people's stories have my utmost respect.


Before I end, and before I have everyone think that we shouldn't have empathy, no, empathy is what makes the world go round. We are all different and have different experiences, so having empathy allows us to experience a world that is nothing like ours. That is so important.

So don't stop learning to be empathetic.

What I'm trying to put across is that I just hope people know that it can't be learned overnight and it can't be forced. It has to be a habit, an actively-engaging-sorta thing. With your heart and soul. And I just think that there are so much assumptions of what empathy is that I feel the need to address this.

Empathy cannot be trivialised.

It isn't like IQ where you can just have it. Don't take all those advice at point-blank that you should have it and boom, you just have it coz you read it somewhere on the internet.

It's a learned thing. Through people, through experiences, through life really. It is something that even I am constantly learning.

I think it is important to have this emphasised in our generation because we're a highly educated generation. Sometimes because of our degrees and achievements, what we think we know from our various experiences, we get on our high horses and tell, teach and judge instead of first holding those horses and actually processing what's going on in another person's life.

I tend to do that sometimes and if I continue doing that, I'm just gonna be disappointed with every person I meet coz I assume I know.

I say, it starts with listening. And yes, active listening. Starting with family. And it's not easy because we grew up with this bunch of people thinking we know all about them already. Truth is, we don't. And every time I listen to their stories, I learn more about each individual in my tiny unit - brother, mother and father.

Always surprised by what they tell me and I am always left with lessons to ponder.

So before we can say we know everything about someone, think again. Coz more often than not, we don't. But we can always try. And we need to try to listen harder, with a fuller heart.

After that then maybe, just maybe, you can come to me someday and have a cuppa. I will be more than willing to listen to you talk about: Empathy.

CNA! I've been working at my old company of Channel NewsAsia the past two weeks~~~ What made me come on board? Well, I was in Lond...

CNA!
I've been working at my old company of Channel NewsAsia the past two weeks~~~

What made me come on board? Well, I was in London when around the third or fourth day, I received a whatsapp message from my friend and current producer of the documentary, "Hey Si Hui, want to be a free-lance researcher for my documentary? It'll be for two months."

When I read "researcher" I was thinking oh, no, researching ain't my thing. I can't sift through a lot of dense material without my mind drifting off to some place else.

But she continued telling me what the documentary was about and it is about Race in Singapore. When you talk to me about race relations in Singapore, my eyes and ears are always open. Ever ready to read and listen to what's being said. Ever since my time on exchange, I've become aware of what majority privilege is and it hit me how much privilege the Chinese here get. And as a Chinese Singaporean, in a Chinese majority country, I feel... a mix of things. A bit of shame and a bit of guilt for being unaware and ignorant about it till the age of 20. But of course, I know it's not my fault lah, it's just realising what my Malay and Indian counterparts are going through that kind of woke me up. A lot of the time, it's the subtle, unconscious actions that show how aware (or unaware) one is of their privilege.

Race is always a very complex issue and there are many layers to delve into. So I can't completely say that the Chinese are entirely to blame. Problems like that happen when it is a majority-minority thing, in every damn society. Race is also a very sensitive issue. Which has led our nation to stay silent about it for all the years that the different races have co-existed. Because of this, I was also skeptical. Really? MDA would allow this to be aired? But it was also the reason why I took this up. I wanted to see how far this documentary could go. What the boundaries and limitations are. How much about race that we can talk about in Singapore.

That's one of the reasons why I wanted to join the media industry in the first place. To start conversations. Honest discussions. No more textbook-based answers. No more hiding behind a veil of fear. Because that's an era long gone. I want civil discourse. And it should be a civilised one too. Not unruly and sensationalised. A proper discourse where one can speak his views, and be treated with respect for them no matter how different they may be.

So far, I've spoken and contacted a number of people and their views are quite enlightening. I wish more would listen to these views. If what they say trigger something within you, I think my job and my producer's job are done.

Work has been all right. My body took a while to adjust from both jet lag and the length of the time I'd been unemployed. Still adjusting, in fact. But I'm happy that I'm back in business. Not totally open for business yet but I know it helps with keeping the idle mind at bay. My friends, who are also my colleagues, are all here. I can laugh, I can whistle, I have people and a place to look forward to.

Channel NewsAsia feels like home :-)

And so... what will I do after these two months? We'll see. I've an interview coming up next week so let's see how I'll fare. I'mma keep it hush hush now and will share the good news when it's ready.


I hope you're happy for me hehe, things are indeed looking up and well, I truly can only be thankful!

I quite much think life is like a leaf or a petal of a flower. People, like leaves, grow on trees that represent the different communit...


I quite much think life is like a leaf or a petal of a flower.

People, like leaves, grow on trees that represent the different communities in the world.

The leaves go on a journey.
In spring, new shoots sprout from branches.
Slowly, they stretch, arms reaching out for the sun.
Aching and wanting, to feel its rays.

"When will I blossom? I long to be big and beautiful for passersby to notice me"

Each day, these leaves and buds ask themselves just that.
Constantly,
Relentlessly,
And sometimes, excessively.

They worry, and worry, and worry.
Nevertheless, they will grow, and grow, and grow.

Some faster, some slower.
In different shapes and sizes.
Some days are great with the sun,
And some days are bad with the storm and the wind.

Often, they think to themselves:

"I can't take it anymore. When will the rain ever stop?"

But it always does.

Tough ones remain on their branches.
While others, fall to the ground.
Some trampled and some...
gone with the wind~

Seasons come and seasons go.

They blossom their brightest in summer,
when the birds are singing and the skies are brimming.
Happy, radiant, and full.
People notice them and they smile,

"Finally".

Yet, their leaves, and petals start to curl and wither.
In fall, their colours turn a shade of orange and brown.
Some question and wonder what's happening,
while others don't because they know...

That their time has come. To go~

One by one, they break off their branches,
drifting southwards, slowly but surely.
As they do, they look up at all the other leaves,
whispering,

"I had a good time. Take care, my dear friends"

This is when it is all supposed to end.
But it doesn't.
For leaves start to emerge once more,
at places where other leaves once were.

Trees remain,
Communities grow,
Babies arrive,
and life?

It goes on.

------


My last day spent in England was a hike. I googled a few places and randomly picked one out of 25 of them. I saw one by the coast. I thought, beautifullll. So there I went, to Hastings!

It's at the south of London and a really hippie place. Not like any place I was in Central London. I could see people who were less put together, maybe because people who live by the sea tend to be a little more stress-free.

A bit like a ghost town

The skies weren't looking so nice. So grey and ugh.

But I kept walking and trying to find the ruins of a castle.

Eventually, I was met with this:

Vast ocean of blue
Seagulls everywhere. Hi.

I was thinking, wah? I reach so fast ah? But I didn't even do any hike leh!

So I opened google maps and I followed some directions that I had saved in my phone. I was supposed to go to a park or something like that.

I ended up going through the entire town and I was like, what the?? Where am I going man. Google maps showing me the wrong way ah?

I felt lost.

Eventually however, I did manage to find the park and I started to walk on the trail.

As I walked along the trail, I then realised that this was the route I was supposed to be taking, cliffs by the sea~

So darn beautiful!!!

As you can see, the skies became blue eventually. So I was super happy while walking!! How lucky was I!!

As I walked along the trail, I went by benches. And benches in Britain are always written with dedications to loved ones who have long gone.

"Never a dull moment"
My heart always feels heavy when I see one. At the same time, passing each one left a reminder. Like milestones teaching me lessons as I walk by.


One particular spot... was my favourite spot.

It was just me, a bench and the vast ocean.

The bench under a tree with sun shining right above
... overlooking a view like this.

I decided to have a rest and contemplate for a while. It had the nicest view and the bench was shaded by the tree. It was as if, the person had chosen to be placed right there. And as if the person was sitting right next to me, forever overlooking the ocean. That was her eternity.

I can't describe to you the kind of peace I had while sitting there.

I noticed a piece of paper nailed to the bench,

"There is another star in the sky tonight. Miss you."
Ache.

I suppose you can feel what I was going through just sitting there as I stared at the wide, wide ocean.

It was sad, yet a beautiful reminder of the vicissitude of life.

Before I left, I thanked everything around me aloud:

"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU"

I was renewed.

I didn't want to leave, but I knew I had to, so I carried on.


Then came a face. A brown face. Panting. And curious of me.


Cutie pies!!!
I fell in love with the one that licked me hahaha. (tried to take a nice photo by asking someone but the dogs just couldn't "look at the camera" hahaha)

The dogs there are all happy and healthy!!! Running around so crazily and you can see the light in their eyes!!! Their tails as well... wagging all the time. They're so happy.

Never gonna keep a dog in Singapore. Too hot and cannot anyhow run haha.


I was well on my way to the end of the trail.

So happy : )

When I finally did, I realised,

This was supposed to be where I start my trek.

So my end was the beginning of the hike.

But my beginning had been the end of the hike where the ruins were. I saw a sign that said "Castle" but I didn't believe I had reached it at the start.

The destination? Well, there wasn't one.

And there was no beginning or end. I had paved my own way and found a journey that I enjoyed nevertheless. Even met a Brit on the way who was enthralled by my English. Always happy to let someone know what Singapore is haha.

I was so happy that day, and how could I leave Hastings without trying this?


Best one I've ever eaten in my life!!!!! Thickest fish cod ever. And freshest :')
I mean... it was by the ocean man. You can't not try fish and chips when you're somewhere by the ocean.

I remember asking a British couple if they knew the best shop in town since there were SO MANY shops selling fish and chips. Turned out they were also exploring their own country and it was their first day in town. Helped me check tripadvisor. Made some friendly conversation and the lady was thrilled to find out I was from Singapore.

Lady: "YOU'RE FROM SINGAPORE??? My daughter went there twice and she absolutely LOVED IT"
Me: "Wow! Really?!"
Lady: "Yeah!!! She says it's amazing and she dreams of living there!"

You can imagine my astonishment. It's amazing to hear that about your country. Sometimes, you get surprised when others think that about your country.


So that was my trip to Hastings.
Life has its ways of taking its own trails and paths.
My beginning and end sometimes is different from what I imagine or expect it to be. And different from what people tell me it should be. I carved a journey on my own.

And it is a journey I will take, with my own life.
Full of surprises - twists and turns.
Fulfilling, nevertheless :')