On bus 39 as I type this.

That's what my brother told me. Asshole -.-

Our personalities are sososo different. He's so frakkin chill I dunno how he does it. Actually I know lah, he sets really low expectations and isn't out to win. But I am all out!!! And I'm always very vexed when I face challenges and constantly beat myself up to get to wherever I can.

My brother's motto in life? "Life is like that." *sunglasses out with mojito in hand*
Mine? "Life is what you make it to be." *makin lemonade*

The difference between the two? The added struggle to mine while my brother just accepts whatever he gets. And doesn't try to go against the laws of the universe. Which I understand completely actually. Having to let go to allow things to occur. He's a living example. I mean, it's not like he doesn't try. He does. And it's not like he isn't doing well ya know? He's actually living all right. Monk life.

But but... what is life without the struggle?

I guess the both of us live life and love life in our different ways. I concede. My mother gave birth to two completely different individuals.

I'd like to think that the kingdom of heaven looks like this...

The past few days, my friends and I have been seeking for answers and closure within ourselves. I managed to contact two of Dominik's friends via Instagram and they told me about what happened. I dared not ask how he died - the possibilities are endless. But I also have a feeling, nobody really knows why he did it. And I think, we will never know why. If I could, someday, I'd like to visit the place where he was laid to rest to say a prayer, lay a flower and bid my goodbye. Like how it should be.

With his passing, Dominik has brought my friends and I closer together. We may be miles apart but I think his death woke us all up. I wish I could be with them right now, to grieve together.

And frankly speaking, I have difficulty bringing this to a close because there are still so many questions and also... I feel like I'm out of touch with my own feelings.

I realise... I have a problem with reacting to my own feelings. When I observe the plight of another, I can instantly cry and become emotional because I can feel what the other person is going through. But when it comes to myself, I have a problem. When I found out about Dominik's death, I didn't cry. I couldn't cry... And I think... I've a problem confronting my own feelings. I badly wanted to cry but I couldn't bring myself to. I have difficulty reacting to how I feel. I easily react to others' but my own. And that's quite scary.

I dunno if it's because I numb myself or that I refuse to acknowledge my own feelings. It could be both. I know that I need to grieve properly because I knew my body wanted to. One day whilst napping, I dreamt that I was crying because of his passing. And indeed, I woke up, weeping. It was as if, my subconscious mind badly wanted to cry but I refused its needs.

I don't know. I really don't know. Life and its myriad of questions - I surrender.


Speaking of questions, I dunno if this is all me and my head thinking they are signs but... help me here.

1) Dominik passed away a year ago in March. It is March this year. It is his one-year death anniversary this month. Coincidence? Plus the thumb drive almost seemed to have tumbled out of nowhere. It was as if... he was trying to tell me something.

2) While typing my blog post about his passing, guess what? The German couple whom Sianpei and I met and adored in Myanmar... they found our email addresses and emailed us out of the blue. I thought I had lost them. I thought I'd never hear from them again. It had been 4 months without a word from them. But they suddenly found the piece of paper with our email addresses, thinking that they lost it. They'd been desperately wanting to contact us. It was as if, after losing a German friend, I found another two... Coincidence once more?

3) Before I inserted the thumb drive into my macbook and found out about his passing, remember how I said I was talking to my brother and how it would be a miracle if my Myanmar pictures were in the thumb drive? I actually verbally announced loud and clear, "If God exists, then the pictures will be in here." The pictures weren't there of course, but I was actively challenging God's existence and it was almost as if... there was indeed something in there that I was supposed to see.

I really don't know man. Maybe I've been thinking too much lately. Or maybe I'm just drunk from the lack of sleep.

---

I have to move on and part of me feels guilty for moving on. It's almost as if feeling happy would be a form of betrayal. It's the same feeling that I got when I was at the Killing Fields in Cambodia, after a whole sickening day of gruesome history. I even told Sianpei that I feel like I can't ever be happy again knowing all of that happened.


But I know Dominik wouldn't have wanted that. I remember him as a happy person and in my memory, I will only remember the happy man that he was.

I remember taking this photo for him. That sweet smile of his : )

Always remembered, never forgotten

It tumbled out of a bag that I hadn't used for years. And it laid on the floor.

I was talking to my brother after coming home yesterday and it was past midnight. After we finished talking, I looked down and saw the thumbdrive and told my brother, "Oh look! A long lost thumbdrive!!!!"

And I was like, "Oooh, let me have a look at what's inside." Always exciting to see long forgotten thumbdrives and what they store.

My brother went, "Maybe you might find some photos. Like photos that you lost when you were in Myanmar after you lost your phone!"

I was like, "Oi! Wahlau." Then I thought again, ehh... not so bad an idea eh? That would be freakin awesome!!! But of course that'd take a god damn miracle.

I read it with my laptop and yeah I saw a whole loada stuff. Stuff from years ago when I was Year 2 in Uni. I must've misplaced the thumb drive and never found it again.

I also saw some photos of my exchange in New Zealand. So fun! And I clicked on a video, which my German friend made. It was a slideshow of all the pictures that he took with a cheesy Katy Perry song playing in the background. I chuckled to myself. That's so Jay-Z lol. My friend looks like Jay-Z lah, the way he dresses and his good looks coming from mixed German and Kenyan parentage.

Fun and stupid times in NZ

I remembered all the good times at New Zealand just watching the video. And I remember him WhatsApping me quite a long time ago asking me how I was, after we went back to our separate home countries. Not once but twice! I thought that was so nice of him. And I wanted to see how he was doing again. But how ah? I lost his contact and I remembered that he deactivated/deleted his Facebook quite a while back.

But I decided to still try to search for him any ways because he was such an awesome dude. He let me stay at his apartment at Auckland when I was heading for my trip to Australia with Vivien and Jiaqi the next day. When I asked if I could stay, he said, "You can depend on me. Anything for my sister!"

And so I typed his name in Facebook's search bar.

Nil. His Facebook profile was still not available.

I decided to search again.

Bing! This time two posts came up. One of it was mine when it was the World Cup in 2014, which I tagged all my German friends to tell them that I was rooting for their country.



The second was by another girl. I had a read and I had to read it numerous times before I understood.



I read it. Over, and over and over.

I couldn't believe it. Or maybe I didn't want to believe it, though deep down I knew what it meant.

I contacted the girl via messenger. I asked her to reply me as soon as she's read my message. It was around 2am. I tried to go to bed but all I could see and remember were the times I had spent with him. The good times. But I was also trying to piece together what had happened. Oh dear Dominik... What did you do??? And why??

I figured it was no use trying to go back to sleep. I couldn't. Memories came flooding in. And I remembered all the wonderful pictures that he would take so enthusiastically while we were on our campervan trip.

I had to find them. I remember he passed them to me before I last saw him. I had to find it! They were the remaining memories that I had with him. And I wanted to see them again. There were so many wonderful photos of him and I and everyone else. I had to find them.

And search I did.

On the same night, I managed to find where that hard drive, which contained the pictures, had been all this while. It had camouflaged on top of my computer's CPU. It was found easier than expected.

The memories were sweet and happy..

Stunts for the camera with a gorgeous backdrop

Which the others tried to do but couldn't haha.

Taught my American friend how to dance in the middle of all these mountains haha

hahahaha!!

One of my fondest memories of Dominik, which proved his mark of a gentleman, was this bicycling trip.


Since all of them were angmohs, they were damn bloody athletic and fit and I was trailing behind. Especially my annoying other German friend, Jan, who was like the alpha male and was going so dang fast. They were all speeding down the coasts of the lakes and I was breathless and finding it hard to catch up with all of them.

But he slowed down, and said, "Jan is too fast! We should slowly cycle and enjoy the view. I am a gentleman" and he smiled. I was thanking him from inside my head and heart for being so gentlemanly and keeping up with my slow pace. It was also during a hike up a mountain when he accompanied me too, at my pace.

chillin' with the Asians

By the time I had found the photos and seen them all, it was 5am.

I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't help looking at my phone continuously to check if Diana had replied. I needed answers.

At 6:24am, she eventually did.





As we continued to talk... She told me that she also believes that he took his own life. My suspicions were confirmed.

Oh my dear friend..... you were suffering on your own...... What was it?? How I wish you didn't have to suffer alone.

As you can tell from the pictures, Dominik would have been the last person I would think could take his own life. He was so happy, cheerful, positive and confident. You should see the way he danced. Everybody in the club literally would stop and stare. What happened, my friend?

It hurts to know that you died this way.

My brother told me that sometimes the happiest people are the saddest people. Because they don't want others to feel the pain, the suffering and the sorrow. So they are always happy and cheerful for others.

But I don't know... The time since I last saw him was too long ago. 3 years. Anything could've happened. Perhaps something triggered his depression.

I asked the girl whom I was corresponding with, but she didn't know.

It's a mystery and I still find it hard to accept that he left this world in this manner. Suicides are depressing because their spirits left this world unhappy with souls unrested. They were troubled. And they needed help.

And afterall, it was just this Diana person right?? There was no one else whom we could find to verify with. I told my German friend, Jan, about everything. He messaged me this morning that he cried when I updated him. We are still trying to piece the puzzle... Trying every means to reach out to his friends or loved ones. Anything. To find out what had happened to our dearest friend.

At least for Diana, she told us that when he passed away, their dance crew put up a busking performance to raise funds for his funeral... It's heartbreaking to hear that.

As for myself? I am still in shock. I can't really express myself. I still find it hard to believe or accept.

Firstly, it occurred last year. How could we not have known? How could I not have known for so long??? Why didn't I try to reach out to him before he left?

And it dawned on me that his Facebook wasn't deactivated or deleted at his own will. He passed away... so it was shut down, perhaps by a family member.

I had been thinking about him every now and then throughout these years. Because there were moments that we shared that were just between the both of us, which I thought were precious. Like when he revealed to me what it was like to be biracial in Germany. The time when just the both of us sat by the river and drank beer. When I broke his luggage after coming back from Australia but he didn't take it to heart. And how he spontaneously gave me a golden tuktuk souvenir after his trip from Thailand. Those were my last few moments with him.

I'll always remember how open and generous he was. Always so friendly and trusting of others. Letting us stay at his Auckland apartment because that was where the airport was. He was genuinely nice. And not many people in this world are. And not many people that I know are. He is one of them.

But I am glad to have been his friend. Whatever that he was going through... I wish he knew that he was loved by so many people. That he is a fantastic human being. And that... he was simply amazing as he is.

And as I looked through the photos that he took through his lens, it was heartwarming to see how much fun we had and how close we quickly got. He was the few dudes that I felt comfortable getting so physically close with.





And I found a picture of me in his camera that he captured so nicely :')

:')

Depression is a terrible illness and I wish we had known then what we know now. We would have fought through it together.

Dominik, I miss you. And you will always, always, be on my mind.

... at night and when I'm emotional.
So sometimes, I've a lot of time, but the feeling... Isn't right. And when the feeling isn't right, the words don't come out right and what I write won't sound right.

Now I understand why lyricists like Adele and Sam Smith write songs best after a breakup. And also why artists consume drugs to get inspiration. Because it is during emotional highs and lows when everything flows better. Somehow. I don't know why either.

Which then explains why writers take a long time to complete their writing, be it books or songs. A lot of time and emotion is invested in a work of art. It isn't the same as logic thinking or planned execution where you can "force" yourself to do something. Creativity flows. And you can't force something to flow. Like feelings. It comes and it goes. Most of the time, unexpectedly.

Therefore, spontaneity works best for me. Always, when I plan to write a blog post, I never seem to get down to it. Always, when I think the timing is right, it comes out right. When the magic timing is delayed, things come out not so right.

Unfortunately, for right-brain thinkers, their traits are not so much appreciated in Singapore. I see myself as a half-half:


Even a personality test says I'm half-half.
You can take it here.

Oh just look at me, while finding the link to this test, I went to do a few other tests hahaha. I think I am neither right or left. I am: Scatter-brain.

But anyway, yeah, I'm slightly more right-brained. Though I've a bit of left-brain, which I believe came from my education. It forced me to think more left-brain-like. And I think left-brains are more appreciated here as well.

In fact, I think I've lost a bit of my right-brain in the pursuit to become more left because in general, thinking more logically and objectively is better. I still think it is essential most of the time to think with the mind than the heart.

But then, when comes the time to think with the heart instead of the mind?

Isn't the common rhetoric these days - "EQ > IQ"?

Hmm.... Well all I can say is that I'm glad I'm a middle sort. Which means that I can use both interchangeably to adapt to various situations.

I like being the middle.

Oh look, I've just written a post I never meant to write.

And like I said, they always come out best.

A change in background now that I'm back home, after all the Myanmar-I'm-alone-in-my-room-now pictures hahahaha

Anyway, this is the freest time in my life. When people ask me "So.. What are you doing now?" The title of this post is my answer. And they'll be a bit stunned or have well, nothing to say hahahah. One of my friends told me I need to elaborate on my answer... but thing is, I really am doing nothing compared to all the busy corporate people.

I am living the retiree life...

I actually didn't expect job hunting to take a while. It has been, once March is over, almost 3 months that I've been unemployed. Eeks!

But I've been learning a lot actually... 'Nothing' may not be a good answer because recently, I've been attending a few talks and conferences. Sessions to invigorate the mind. And it has sparked some of my choices and helped me narrow down what I want in a job. I have also been having Chinese lessons fortnightly. Reading whenever I can as well. I think learning never stops after school.

A few years ago, I thought being Unemployed was something to be embarrassed about. But after travelling, it isn't. But I must say I can't escape some of the awkwardness of it all when people around me ask me what I've been up to. The culture in Singapore is Certainty. Realism.

To illustrate this, let me give you a scenario which happened just a few days ago while I was waiting at a bus stop. There was a couple who was about 50 years old. The conversation went like this:

Man: He cannot go on like that you know. He has to be realistic! He cannot just keep travelling and travelling. He has to be realistic!! Even when you're realistic, sometimes you also will get into problems. Then how? He really has to wake up.
Lady: *silently nodding after every sentence*

She didn't refute what her husband had to say as he frowned and shook his head while speaking.

Then the bus came. And they stood up and left.

While I stood there still waiting for mine. I couldn't help but smile because well, it was almost as if they were talking to and about me!!!!

Initially, I never felt the pressures of finding a job when I first came home. But after a month, the pressure slowly crept in as I met my friends and relatives. It's the Singapore society, which frowns upon anything that involves a little uncertainty. The man is afraid for his son who obviously hasn't settled down on what he wants. The lady doesn't really know what to say. Maybe she thinks it's ok for her son to travel for a bit? But a part of her can't help but agree with her husband too... My friends haven't outrightly disapproved my status, but it's obvious through their facial expressions and unconscious body movements. One of them even sent me a private message to encourage me in my job hunting, though I never expressed that I was worried about it. But you see, that's the thing, they assumed that I was afraid.

Lovely as the thought was to send me that private message, I am not worried. And I don't think I need to because... I know in my guts I'll get the job. It may not be the perfect IT job, but I know it will be something I can pour my heart into for the years ahead. Of course the search will take a little bit of patience from me and guidance from the universe. Om Mani Padme Om!

Definitely, I can't help but feel sad that I'm not able to contribute to the household income and set my parents completely free yet. But at least, I am thankful for their patience with me. They know I am someone whom they don't have to worry about. Once I've set my sights on the horizon, they know that I will get it.

To repay their kindness, I've been the house maid hahaha. Washing clothes, hanging them to dry and then taking them down and folding all of it. This clothes thing has become strangely therapeutic for me. It started out as... I'm not looking forward to touching the men's undies and washing my entire family's clothes. To... hey the sun is out, time to catch the GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to dry all the clothes!!!!!

My family has threatened to repatriate me back to my country. But what are they talking about? THIS IS my country. I am the house elf. And a happy one.

So... despite all the worries from people around me, I hope that they know that I'm actually really really happy right now. I have almost zero commitments. I am still a growing, thinking human being. It is sad when I hear my friends tell me of their workplace horrors. And let me tell you, they are absolutely dreadful. Sometimes, I wonder if work is what I should look forward to when all I hear are sad, depressing stories. Boss woes. Unfair work distribution. Competition. Jesus!

Sounds a lot like.... The Real World.

I am not running away from anything like that. The time will come for me to have my piece. Bring. it. on.

So I busk in my time now. In fact, I have a piece of good news to share with you guys. I'm pregnant!!! Nah I'm just kidding though I must admit, I've been having a lot of maternal thingums boiling within me lately it's crazy. Like I really want to have a baby of my own right now. To love and to care for. Oooohhhmphhh!!

Alright, see ya later suckers. The momentum for my travel posts has almost died and I really hope I can revive it some time this week.

I've been meaning to say it to someone for a long time. But I've chickened out. Because I don't want to live through the stupid emotional rollercoaster. Why are humans conditioned to feel emotional? I hate it and I don't like it and I wish things could be simpler. Argh. Humans are the hardest things to deal with on this planet. We hurt each other, and cause pain and suffering to one another. Worse, to the closest ones around us. And I don't want to inflict that on anyone. I really can't understand why we have to go through this with each other. And we're all such sensitive creatures. We push away others when we're hurt. Yet, we're social creatures so we need one another so we draw towards each other. It's this attracting and repelling effect. Even science can explain it. Jesus, why couldn't you just make things easier. Hurry up and save this world already.